Part 5 - All About Harry

To say I was in something of a bad situation would have been an understatement.

There I was, standing over a hypnotised Harry who had just let slip that he’d been having erotic daydreams about me, hinting at the possibility he might be gay. Now this may seem like some dream come true, considering how I’d had a crush on him from about the first moment I’d met him.

But it wasn’t. In that moment when it had come out, all my feelings were thrown into confusion. I had accepted that my hunky polar bear roommate was straight and that my crush would never come to anything, so I had moved on. But now? Now, I didn’t know what the hell to think.

The thing was, Harry himself didn’t seem too comfortable at the prospect of being gay. My guess was that he was deeply in denial about who he really was, which added a new level of complication to matters.

And on top of that, Harry’s friend Baxter was waiting. The same friend I had agreed to go out with. I had been absolutely certain that Baxter would make a great boyfriend. But now…

Now I was confused and uncertain. I needed time to think and just standing there would accomplish nothing. I had to wake Harry up.

“Listen to my voice, Sleepy Bear.” I said, my mind still racing. “You’re feeling good and relaxed. When I wake you up, everything will feel normal. You were feeling tired after your trip to the gym earlier, so decided to have a quick nap while I hypnotised Baxter. You know this is true, don’t you? Repeat.”

“I was feeling tired after the gym,” Harry mumbled. “I decided to have a nap while you were hypnotising Baxter.”

“Very good, Sleepy Bear.” I said, taking a deep breath. “And when you wake up, you will not consciously remember anything that has happened will in this state. As far as you are concerned, you’ve just had a relaxing, dreamless sleep. Now, 3… 2… 1… wake up.”

Harry blinked and sat up. He stretched and yawned.

“Good nap?” I asked.

The polar bear stood up. “Yeah, very relaxing.” He replied, with a slight frown. “I’m not usually so tired after going to the gym.” He shrugged. “How are things going with Baxter?”

“It went great, we’re done.” I explained. “That’s why I came in here to wake you up.”

Harry looked a little disappointed. “I wanted to see how you did the whole hypnosis thing.” He said.

I smiled at him. “Maybe next time.”

Of course, I knew that wasn’t true. I made a mental note to do something about that little desire of Harry’s at some point.

We returned to Baxter. The hunky bull had put on and buttoned his shirt while I was with Harry and I felt a twinge of disappointment at no longer having a good view of his physique. But I could get another look some other time.

Then what had happened with Harry came flooding back and I felt a twinge of guilt. I didn’t even know why.

Unfortunately, Baxter had to go, and there wasn’t much of an opportunity to talk with him about anything. He did manage to whisper in my ear that he would call me tomorrow about our ‘date’. I just smiled and nodded.

Once Harry and I had said goodbye to him and Baxter had left, I went to my room. I didn’t know what to do next. My world had been turned up side down and I had no idea what to do about it…

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“You look terrible.”

I shot my polar bear roommate a look to let him know how much I didn’t appreciate the comment as I shuffled into the kitchen, wearing only the t-shirt and shorts I’d slept in.

“I just didn’t sleep very well.” I told him as I sat down at the table, yawning.

“OK then.” Harry shrugged. “I’m just heading out to the gym. I’ll see you later.”

I watched him go, remembering the previous evening. What I’d discovered had been running through my head again and again all night. I was just glad I had a day off work, so the bad nights sleep wasn’t much of a problem.

I still hadn’t reached any conclusions about what to do. I had agreed to go out with Baxter, and I was looking forward to it. But things had changed since then. Deep down, it seemed as if Harry was gay and attracted to me. So now, there was some part of me that felt almost as if I was stringing Baxter along now that there was a chance, however small, that something might happen with Harry, and that was making me feel a little guilty.

This was ridiculous. Harry was obviously deeply in denial about his homosexuality, and it could be years or even never before he overcame that. I couldn’t really put my life on hold and wait for that to happen just because I had a crush on him. I had to move on, and Baxter was a great option for doing that.

But on the other hand, I still wanted to help Harry if I could. Living in denial wasn’t much of a way to live. Perhaps I could find some way to help him with it?

Plans and ideas began to form my head as I set about making myself breakfast. Less than an hour later, the phone rang. I picked it up to find Baxter on the other end.

“Hi there, Jack.” He said. “I’m just calling so we can arrange the details of our date tonight.”

“Sure.” I said. “What time can you pick me up?”

“Actually,” Baxter replied. “I was wondering if you could come meet me at my place, say around seven?”

“Why?”

“I’m worried about Harry.” Said the bull. “He doesn’t know I’m gay. It might be a good idea if he didn’t see me picking you up for a date. It’s why I waited until I knew Harry was here at the gym before I called.”

“You could always tell him.” I suggested. “I told you he’d be OK with it.” Sudden inspiration struck. “In fact, I think it would be a good idea if you were to tell him today.”

There was a pause on the other end of the line as the hypnotic suggestion I’d planted kicked in.

“Yeah, it would be a good idea to tell him. I’ll do that.” Baxter said. “But I’d still rather avoid him knowing I’m dating his roommate just yet.”

I resisted the temptation to change his mind for him. If he wasn’t comfortable with Harry knowing, I could go along with it for now. 

“OK then.” I told him. “I’ll come pick you up.” He quickly gave me his address and I scribbled it down on a scrap of paper.

“Any ideas where we’ll be going?” I wanted to know.

“I’ve got some ideas.” Baxter laughed. “But I’m keeping it a surprise.”

It would have been easily to use the hypnotic suggestions of mine to have him tell me. But that wouldn’t be any fun.

“Very well.” I chuckled. “I’ll be ready for a surprise.”

“I’ll see you at seven.” Said Baxter. “Right now, I have to get back to work.”

He hung up, leaving me with a smile on my face. Then I thought of Harry again, and the smile faded slightly. I would have to start dealing with the polar bear as soon as possible. I resolved myself to begin once he made it back from the gym.

I kept myself busy over the following few hours, using the Internet to look up some basic psychological stuff in preparation. I wanted to do what I could to help him, and would at least need a basic idea of where to begin.

Once I felt confident enough, I did my best to take my mind of things, watching some TV and generally trying not to think about it. But at the back of my mind, there was a growing sense of nervousness, each moment that ticked by being a moment closer to me delving into what secrets lay in the depths of Harry’s sub-conscious.

It was just a matter of time before Harry got home. When he eventually walked in the door, I did my best to act normal. We exchanged greetings as he walked by my to his bedroom, dressed in clothes that were far too tight, showing off every nook and cranny of his physique. It was turning me on…

I shook my head. No. This wasn’t the time to go getting all aroused. I had things I had to do with Harry…

Harry returned a few moments later. He’d removed his shirt, leaving his magnificent chest on display. He came and sat down next to me.

I decided to get this over and done with, before anything happened to distract me, or give me an excuse to put it off until some other time. So I went for it, not even giving Harry a chance to say anything.

“Sleepy Bear.” I said.

Harry’s eyes closed and his head slumped forward as he entered the trance, his body going limp as it relaxed.

Before I did anything I spent a little time taking Harry through some relaxation exercises, deepening his trance. It was only then that I felt ready to proceed.

“Now, Harry,” I said. “We’re going to talk about you. About your past. You are perfectly happy to do this. Repeat.”

“I am perfectly happy to talk about my past.” The bear mumbled.

I took a deep breath before continuing. “I want you to think back. I want you to think of the very first time you had any kind of contact with homosexuality. Call up the memory, see it in your mind’s eye...”

“Yes, I remember…” Harry mumbled.

“How old are you in the memory?”

“Five years old.”

That was quite sometime ago. “Describe the memory to me, Harry…”

And Harry started to relive the memory for me…

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

I’m sitting, happily playing with my toy robot. I’m in the living room of my parents’ house, where I grew up in, the one they’d sell when I was sixteen.

Suddenly I hear a raised voice, which I recognise to be my father. It strikes me with fear. I don’t like it when Dad is angry.

Curiosity overcomes my fear and I get up, leaving my robot on the floor. I wander over to the open door and peer out into the hall.

Dad is out there. He’s standing, talking to someone on the phone. And from what I can see of his face, he is definitely angry.

“Well, of course I walked out!” Dad is saying, a nasty growl is in his voice. “After what you said…”

He breaks off, listening to whoever he’s talking to.

“Don’t give me that crap, Nathan!” Dad is speaking into the phone again. “You’re a fucking homo, that’s all there is to it! A bloody perverted queer! So stay away from me, stay away from my family. From now on, I have no brother!” He slams the phone down.

He stands there for several seconds, taking deep breaths and getting hold of himself. He then turns and notices me standing there, and I’m fearful of whatever might have made Dad angry.

But his face softens at seeing me. He walks over and scoops me up in his arms, taking me into the living room.

“No need to be scared, little guy.” He says, making me feel better. “I just got a little angry at your Uncle Nathan.”

“Why?” I ask.

“Because I found out something bad about him.” Dad mutters. “He’s gay.”

“What’s that?”

“It’s something very bad.” Dad tries to explain, looking uncomfortable. “It’s something bad and unnatural. Your Uncle Nathan can’t see that so it makes him a very bad person.”

This just confuses me. Uncle Nathan had always been kind and gentle when he visited. I’m having trouble understanding this...

“But Dad…” I try to protest.

“I don’t want to talk about it anymore!” Dad says, firmly. “Nathan will not be visiting here anymore. That is that. Subject closed.”

I was still confused, but I didn’t say anything more. I just accepted that if it got my Dad angry, it had to be something very wrong…

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Harry fell into silence as he finished his description of the memory.

So Harry’s father had been a huge homophobe. If Harry was gay, that wouldn’t have helped, but it was doubtful that alone would account for years of denial about his sexuality. There was probably more buried in my friend’s past. I just had to find it. After a few moments thought, I decided to take a different approach.

“Have you ever felt more than platonic feelings towards another male?” I asked carefully. “Before me?”

“Yes.” Harry mumbled.

“I want you to recall the very first.” I instructed. “Let the memories of him roll over you. Who is it?”

“Sergeant Crocker.”

“Sergeant?” I asked, curious. “He was a soldier?”

“Yes.” Harry said. “He was my instructor in basic training.”

“You were a soldier too?”

“Yes. I was in the army.”

That was a new one on me. In all the time I had known Harry, he had never mentioned ever being in the military. I wondered why. But right then, I wanted to learn more about this Sergeant Crocker.

“Tell me about the Sergeant.” I ordered. “Describe him how you see him in your memories.”

“He’s just over six feet tall.” Harry responded. “He’s a grizzly bear. Very muscular. Also very strict. Takes no crap.”

I noticed the bulge growing in Harry’s tight shorts. The memory of Crocker was obviously an arousing one. Which was definitely interesting. “Tell me about some of your experiences with the Sergeant….”

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Sergeant Crocker was standing over me, watching intently as I did the push-ups he’d ordered me to do. I didn’t care. I liked it when he was there giving me orders.

All I could see of him was his boots. The black leather was always polished to a shine and I was so close I could smell the leather. So close I could probably have leaned forward and licked them. But I restrained myself from doing so. Just having my sergeant’s booted feet before me was exciting enough. I knew it shouldn’t be, I knew its wrong, but I can’t help myself.

I finished my push-ups and got up, standing to attention, staring straight ahead. Crocker looked me in the eye, sneering.

“Next time you think it’s OK to call me ‘sarge’,” he growled, “I’ll be sure to come up with something worse for you to do. Dismissed!”

I saluted and he stalked away. I stood there and watched him go, slightly mesmerised by the movement of his muscular body. And then I was suddenly struck, as I usually was, by a wave a shame. I wasn’t supposed to feel that way about other males. I tried to bury those feelings whenever I could, somewhere deep down inside.

But Sergeant Crocker didn’t make things easy for me in those days of my basic training. Every time I was in his presence, the feelings came back.

Admittedly, sometimes it was my own fault. I kept making a lot of amateur mistakes, forcing him to have to spend time with me, whipping me into shape, punishing me…

Maybe I was making mistakes on purpose, so as to spend more time with the sergeant?

No. No, I wouldn’t do that…

Anyway, there is one time I remember, when I see him in the shower. He often showered with the recruits. Despite his gruffness and hard discipline, he liked being ‘one of the guys’ when he could.

I had to keep focused throughout, and resist the niggling temptation to use the opportunity to get a good look at the sergeant’s beautiful naked body. I wouldn’t have liked to have found out what would happen if he suspected someone was looking at his dick.

Unfortunately, I found out anyway.

It wasn’t me of course; it was one of the other guys. A short otter by the name of Leon. I don’t know if he had actually looked at the sergeant, or if he had just happened to glance in his direction or what. Maybe the sergeant had simply imagined it.

I was busy washing myself and not looking at Crocker when a commotion behind me grabbed my attention. I turned and looked to see the sergeant had Leon by the throat and had slammed him against the shower wall.

“You were looking at me!” Crocker snarled. “Fuckin’ little homo!”

“No, sir!” The otter was gasping. “I wasn’t, sir…”

“Don’t lie to me, you little fuck!” The big bear sneered in contempt. “I saw you looking! And I don’t like queers! Especially ones that go sneakin’ a look at me in the showers!” He raised a fist, fully intending to pound Leon’s face, but suddenly stopped himself.

He had drawn a crowd of onlookers at this point, and the sergeant only then seemed to realise it. He lowered his fist and let go of the otter. Leon stood there gasping for breath.

Crocker stood staring at him, a look of pure hate on his face. Moments passed in silence, the water still cascading down his large, muscled body. I was struggling to keep my eyes above his waist.

“Mark my words, homo.” The sergeant rumbled. “You won’t last long around here.” And then Crocker turned and stormed away, stopping only to grab his towel.

He was right though. Leon didn’t last much longer after that. He was discharged from the army. I never found out why.

And a few weeks after that Leon was found lying in an alley, badly beaten. He claimed he’d just been mugged and couldn’t identify his attacker. But there was a lot of belief among us recruits that Crocker had done in private what he hadn’t wanted to do in front of witnesses that day in the showers. The fact that he’d had no alibi for the time of the attack hadn’t helped. But nothing had even been proven against him.

At the time, I refused to believe such stories, even if I didn’t know why.

And in spite of what had happened, I kept having these fantasies about him as the months passed. That beneath his tough exterior, he had a soften side, and that I was just the kind of male that side of him had been looking for, and that we…

But I knew deep down those fantasies were wrong. I did my best to resist them, but they kept on coming.

But I needn’t have worried. Crocker himself ended up destroying my fantasies the day he got arrested and the truth about him emerged. It turned out he was a serial rapist. He ended up on trial facing multiple charges.

I followed the story, I don’t know why. Perhaps some part of me was desperately hanging on to those fantasies, hoping it wasn’t true and the sergeant was innocent.

But it was all he true. Crocker even admitted to it in the end, that he had beaten and raped several females. He didn’t even show any remorse, as if he didn’t even think he’d done anything wrong.

My friends and I were all shocked at this. But for me there was something more. Discovering Crocker’s true nature hurt me. I didn’t show it of course. I buried those feelings as deep as I could and did my best not to admit to them.

Crocker went to prison in the end with a huge sentence and that was the last I ever heard of him…

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

As Harry fell silent once more, I was once more thoughtful, my mind occupied by what he’d revealed.

This was all very interesting. I still didn’t know why Harry hadn’t mentioned his military past before, but it didn’t matter. Despite the unhappy way the whole Crocker thing had ended, the thought of a big brawny male in uniform still turned him on, as was obvious by the erection now straining against the fabric of Harry’s shorts.

It was entirely possible that, deep down, my polar bear friend had a bit of a military fetish. I would definitely have to do something with that at a later date, but for now, I had to get back on track with helping Harry.

I had made progress. Between the words of his father at a young age, and his first gay crush turning out to be a right bastard, there seemed to be plenty of reason for him to be sub-consciously denying that he was gay. But I wanted to explore a little further before I proceeded, to see if there was anything else that it might be useful to know about.

“Harry, you’ve been doing very well.” I said. “And we’re nearing the end of this session. But I just want you to think back. Can you remember any negative experience that is connected to homosexuality?”

“Yes, several.” Harry replied.

How to narrow it down? I could be there all day if we went through all of them. “I want you to pick the one that had the biggest impact on you.” I said. “Let that memory come to mind. Let yourself remember it in detail…”

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It’s been several months since I left the army. But I still hang out with all my friends from those days. There are times now and again when I miss the army.

It’s a hot summer night. I’m on my way to the local bar to meet some of my friends. I’m looking forward to it. It’s been a stressful week at work and I need to relax and unwind.

I’m approaching the bar when I hear the call for help. There’s some sort of commotion in an alleyway. Of course I rush to help. But I’m not expecting what I find.

I turn a corner to find a pair of young badgers in their early twenties being attacked. By my friends. My friends who are laughing as they are punching and kicking their helpless victims. The badgers are obviously no match for five big soldiers.

I’m so shocked; I’m frozen there for a few moments, unsure of what to do.

And then I’m suddenly spurred into action. I leap into the fray, pulling and dragging my friends off the badgers, separating them from their victims and throwing them against the wall. I can smell the alcohol on their breath. All of them had already been drinking.

“What the fuck are you guys doing?” I demand, once I had managed to pull all five of the slightly drunk soldiers away from the badgers, and had positioned myself between them and my friends.

Kyle stepped forward. He was a well-built grey wolf who had always been a bit headstrong. “We’re dealing with these fuckin’ homos!” He spat, anger in his eyes. “They deserve whatever they get!”

These drew grunts of agreement from the others.

“They come into our bar, fucking kissing and cuddling!” Kyle growled. “Bloody perverts!”

I glanced over my shoulder at the pair of gay badgers. They were dressed normally, none of the flamboyant, effeminate style I’d have suspected. If I’d seen either of them on the street, I’d never have guessed they were gay. One was already unconscious, and the other was clutching at a head wound, blood streaming down his face.

“C’mon Harry,” said Kyle, “why don’t you help us finish off these fucking queers?”

That was a horrible moment that seemed to drag out forever. Standing there between my friends and a pair of gays, I didn’t know what to do.

Kyle seemed to pick up on my hesitation. “Why the delay, Harry? You gonna help us, or are you really a queer yourself? Are we gonna have to deal with you too?”

I knew Kyle, and I knew that look in his eyes. He meant it. If I tried to stop them in any way, they’d turn on me. But I couldn’t help attack the badgers, no matter who they were. I had only one option that I could see.

I ran away.

I turned and fled from the alley, leaving them to it. It’s something I have always been ashamed of. I would always imagine ways I could have done things differently. Maybe I could have defended the badgers, take on five trained soldiers single-handedly…

But I didn’t. I chose to be a coward.

Once I made it out of the alleyway, I ran along the street, not thinking, my plans for the evening forgotten.

And then I glimpsed the phone box ahead.

I ran to it, knowing what I had to do, already feeling ashamed of my cowardice. I quickly dialled for the police, telling them that there were two badgers being brutally assaulted. I gave the location and then hung up the phone. I stood there staring at it afterwards, my mind and emotions a mess of contradictions.

It wasn’t long before I heard the police sirens in the distance. I left the phone box and walked home, trying and failing to get my thoughts straight along the way.

I didn’t sleep at all that night, instead spending my time going over things again and again in my head.

It was all over the news the next day. All five of my friends had been arrested. I was able to discover the names of those two badgers. Marshall Landry and Gabriel Foster. I always made sure I remembered those names.

As the days passed and the media circus continued, I was surprised that my name never turned up. As a friend of the five attackers, I was questioned by police, but I couldn’t bring myself to tell them what I’d seen, knowing that I’d then have to testify against my friends.

My friends apparently never revealed I was there. Maybe they were protecting me. Maybe they just didn’t remember. They had been drunk, after all.

Also, the badgers had never said a word. But then, one had been unconscious and the other had already been badly beaten by the time I arrived. It was entirely possible they were never aware I’d been there.

Over the months following that night, a few of those friends tried to get in touch, but I ignored all such attempts, hanging up on them if they called, and not returning any messages they left. Eventually they gave up, and I realised that I’d decided to sever my ties with them the moment I had seen what they were doing in that alleyway.

There was a big trial, of course. A few of them pleaded guilty, the rest tried to fight it, but they all ended up in jail. I never heard from any of them again.

But the whole thing affected me a lot. Those badgers and what happened to them shattered many of my preconceptions about homosexuals. They weren’t to be hated, but pitied.

I mean, with all the persecution towards them, who would ever want to be gay?

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Harry lapsed into silence once more, having finished recounting the experience.

I definitely understood Harry a lot better now. It was as if the incident had cemented homosexuals as victims in Harry’s sub-conscious, subjects of pity. And Harry didn’t want to be either, it just went against his nature, it just wasn’t who he was. And then if you add the negativity that had become attached to being gay earlier in his life, both through being raised by a homophobic father, and the way his first crush had turned out…

Time was getting on, and I knew I should be waking Harry up soon. I had discovered enough about my roommate for the moment and it had bolstered my determination to help him. I could get started on that straight away, but I also wanted to tread carefully.

“Harry,” I said. “I want you to repeat after me: There is nothing wrong with being gay.”

“There is nothing wrong with being gay.” Harry repeated. That seemed to give him no trouble, which I took as a good sign.

“Repeat after me again.” I tried, cautiously. “There is nothing wrong with me being gay.”

“There is nothing wrong with…” Harry paused, frowning. “There is nothing wrong with…” He seemed to be having trouble with it. I had to intervene.

“Relax, Sleepy Bear.” I said softly. “Just relax and say the words. They’re just words, Sleepy Bear. Nothing to be frightened of.”

“There is nothing wrong with…” He faltered again.

“Just say the words, Sleepy Bear.” I commanded, afraid that if he pushed too hard he could come out of his trance. “You know you want to.”

“There is nothing wrong with… me being gay…” Harry said, stuttering over the words as they came out.

I breathed a sigh of relief. Getting him to say that, admitting it to himself, was a big hurdle. And he’d managed to get past it.

“That’s very good, Harry.” I told him, meaning every word. “You’ve said it and you know it’s true, don’t you?”

He paused for a few seconds before he answered. “Yes. It is true.”

The first obstacle had been overcome and I didn’t want to push my luck, so I came to the decision to end the session. After I planted one last suggestion.

“Relax and listen to my voice, Sleepy Bear.” I said. “You now know that there is nothing wrong with being gay. When the time comes when you are completely comfortable with being gay, you will have no problems with talking to me about it. There will be no embarrassment and no doubts. Do you understand, Harry?”

“When I am comfortable with being gay,” Harry repeated. “I will have no problems talking to you about it.”

“That’s very good, Sleepy Bear.” I said. “You’ve done very well. I’ve very pleased with you.” That comment brought a smile to Harry’s face. “Now, it’s time to wake up. As usual you will not consciously remember anything we’ve discussed. When I count to three, you will wake up feeling relaxed and refreshed and will be unaware that you have just been hypnotised. Everything will seem normal. 1… 2… 3… wake up!”

Harry blinked himself awake. He frowned and I was suddenly concerned he might be thinking something had just happened.

“You feel OK?” I ventured.

“Yeah.” Harry nodded. “I actually feel pretty damn good.”

“Then why the frown?” I asked.

Harry simply shrugged. “Because for some reason I’m feeling a bit surprised I’m feeling so good. Strange.”

I remained silent and thoughtful. That was interesting and I was trying to figure out what it meant. It could be he was feeling good about what had happened while he’d been under and he was sub-consciously surprised that he was feeling good about it. Which would be a good sign. Of course, it was also possible I was reading too much into it…

“Well, I can’t sit here chatting all day, Jack.” Said Harry, getting up. “I’ve got to get some work done.”

I let him go without saying a word. The session had gone pretty well. I’d certainly learned more about Harry. Now I just had to give his sub-conscious some time to process what he’d said in his trance before I took things further.

Besides, I had other things to do. I had a date with Baxter that I needed to get ready for…

To Be Continued…