That Day, Part 6: Promises to Keep

Say what you will about my dull accountancy job, it did have a few plus points. Like the fact that it would keep me busy during the day.

This was particularly hammered home to me on Thursday, my first full day home from the hospital, as I found myself bored out of my mind through much of it. I did my best to try and remain busy while still resting. Reading books, watching movies, learning how to do normal chores with one arm in a cast. But I was ultimately fighting a losing battle. Boredom overtook me eventually and I ended up sitting on my couch, all alone with my thoughts.

I wished I had someone to talk to, but everyone I knew would be at work right then, and I really didn't want to bother them just because I was bored and lonely. So it was just me, all by myself.

And my thoughts were filled with Harvey. And our upcoming... what? Dinner? Date? I was still not entirely sure what to call it exactly.

But whatever it was, I couldn't help but be nervous about it. Yes, it might go okay, or even well or maybe even great. It just seemed far more likely that it would go wrong in some way. That it would, if not wreck any friendship between myself and the bear, then at least make things more difficult for either him or me. It just seemed like there was so much that could go wrong...

What if it just bolsters my burgeoning feelings towards him? Then it would be more and more uncomfortable to be around him and just move me closer to having to remove him from my life, which is definitely not a pleasant thought.

What if Harvey discovers he doesn't like me as much as he gets to know me more and decides he'd rather not be friends any more? As much as I try to tell myself how unlikely that is, some part of me can't help but focus on it as a possibility.

What if the whole evening just proves to be hideously awkward, being two gay friends out on what is essentially a 'date'? My worry is that awkwardness could lead to the end of whatever friendship was developing between us.

And so I spent a good part of the day with these thoughts swirling endlessly through my mind as I continued to pile worry and stress onto myself. I knew I shouldn't, I knew it was stupid and counter-productive, but I did it all the same. I just couldn't stop myself. Sometimes we really are our own worst enemies...

By the time evening rolled around, I'd managed to drive myself seriously crazy and was desperate to talk to someone as a distraction.

But at the same time, I was unsure who to talk to. My first thought was to call Harvey, yet my conscience stopped me from doing so. I had made him a promise, and talking to him before I did something about it just seemed dishonest somehow. Which meant talking to Justin, and that's a call I was reluctant to make.

I procrastinated as much as I could, putting off making the call. Of course, that just gave my brain the chance to imagine all the ways it could go wrong, imagine just how much hurt I was going to do to the fox's feelings when I tell him that we can't see each other anymore, that it's just too difficult for me to be around him.

It took a fair bit of effort to stop that line of thought. I needed to stop thinking and worrying about it and just do it, get it over with.

My paw hovered over my phone several times before I finally pushed myself into picking it up. Another few minutes were spent just staring at it before I finally called up Justin's number and dialled.

I waited anxiously while it rang, a part of me vaguely hoping that he wouldn't answer for some reason, allowing me an excuse to put off talking to him until some other time.

However, it turns out that luck is not on my side and he answered. “Hey, Oliver.”

Immediately, I knew something was wrong. I knew Justin's voice very well and I easily picked up on the hint of unease and discomfort. Plus his tone was a little flat, nowhere near as jubilant as it usually was.

“Hi Justin.” I said, somewhat concerned now. “Is something up?”

“No, of course not!” He replied. His voice was suddenly more upbeat, but I could tell it was somewhat forced. “It's great to hear from you, buddy! I... I just wasn't expecting to hear from you today...”

Despite his protest, I could still tell that something was up with him. But if he didn't want to share there was hardly anything I can do to help. This call was going to be tough enough without trying to drag his problems out of him.

I did briefly consider not going ahead with the reason I called. After all, if something was bothering him, it would hardly be fair of me to dump more on him.

But then again, it was hardly fair on him to let things carry on without telling him the truth. So I steeled myself and pushed ahead...

“Well, if there is something up, Justin, I'm happy to help if I can.” I said carefully. “But I...”

“Listen, Oliver.” The fox said suddenly, interrupting me, his voice serious. “We need to talk. I've got some things I really need to tell you.”

“Okay...” I said, really not liking the way that sounded. “I'm listening.”

“I don't know if its something I can say over the phone.” He told me. “Would you... would you be willing to meet me for coffee? Say, tomorrow lunch time?” 

I thought about it. Something was obviously weighing heavily on the fox's mind and he wanted to talk to me about it. But the whole point of me calling him was to stop seeing him...

Ah well, I decided, what I needed to say to him was probably best said face to face anyway.

“Okay, Justin.” I said. “I'll meet you tomorrow...”

He gave me the address of a coffee shop near where he worked and we arranged a time. And then he hung up, leaving me with troubled thoughts.

Is this a mistake? Am I just going to make things more difficult by seeing him in the flesh and possibly getting caught up helping with his problems?

Those thoughts were useless now. I'd agreed to meet up with him. So my mind started worrying about something else instead.

What could his problem be?

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

What could my problem be?

That was the main thought in my head as I made my way home from work Thursday evening.

It had been a long day at the garage. I'd arrived early and stayed late, in order to make things up to Chuck for my day off yesterday and for being pretty much useless the day before that.

Well, I certainly hadn't been useless that day. I'd thrown myself into the job, managing to remain focused and driven throughout the day and I got a hell of a lot done, more than I usually would.

And yet... I felt unsatisfied. Unfulfilled in a way I've not really felt before when it came to my job at the garage. It seemed I really couldn't delude myself anymore. The job just wasn't for me, I don't love it, no matter how much I used to tell myself that I did.

So as I got home and threw myself down on my couch, my feelings and thoughts were confused. What is wrong with me, what is my problem?

But of course, I thought I already know the answer...

No, I wasn't ready to think about that just yet. I had other things to do, other things to focus on. Those thoughts would keep for another time.

I got on with what I needed to do. First things first, I sent a quick text to Oliver, letting him know my address for Saturday.

As I sent it, I thought ahead to the weekend and my dinner with the badger. I was looking forward to it very much, but I had to admit I was a little nervous about it. I hadn't really been on an actual date in a long time. Well, if it was a 'date'. That seemed to be uncertain.

And beyond that, it was a 'date' with Oliver, a guy I was really interested in. This could very well be my chance, possibly even my only chance, to get even closer to him. I might not have been certain of much at that moment, but I was certain that was something I wanted. I was also certain I could just screw things up with him if things went wrong on Saturday.

It was a thought that preyed on my mind. I clung to the hope that I wouldn't make a mess of things between myself and Oliver on this date, that I wouldn't drive him away. And the hope that maybe, just maybe, he might feel something for me like I felt for him.

I knew it was crazy, I mean what could he possibly see in a boring guy like me? An ex-cop turned lowly workaholic mechanic? Sure, he seemed to like me, but how much of that was just gratitude for saving his life? Time would tell, I supposed.

I knew I was focusing on Oliver so much right then in order to distract me from the other thing I needed to do today. The promise I needed to keep. To deal with Marcus.

I couldn't keep putting it off, I knew that. The longer I left my raccoon friend with the wrong idea, the more difficult the conversation telling him otherwise was going to be 

I strengthened my resolve. After I'd had something to eat, I'd settle down for a long difficult chat and call Marcus to tell him...

Suddenly, my thoughts were interrupted by a knock at my door.

I wasn't expecting anyone. With a puzzled frown, I hauled myself off the couch and padded over to the door. I yanked it open and was shocked by who was standing there.

It was Marcus.

The raccoon was standing there, arms folded across his chest, dressed in simple jeans and a black shirt. He was glaring at me in an odd combination of annoyance and amusement.

“Marcus?” I said, with a slight stammer. “What are you doing here?”

“I tried calling you last night,” He explained, a definite hint of irritation in his voice. “But you weren't answering. I thought I'd try my luck in person.”

“Well, come in...” I said, stepping aside to let him in. My thoughts were racing. He had really caught me off guard by just showing up like this and I was desperately trying to get my thoughts in order to say what I needed to say.

“So what's going on, Harv?” Marcus demanded as I closed the door.

“Look, I'm sorry about last night...” I began. “I was busy...” I trailed off. Damn it, I told myself, he's my friend, I should be honest with him. “Well, that and I wasn't sure what to say to you.”

The raccoon frowned at me, confused. “What are you talking about?”

“I'm talking about us sleeping together.” I said. I needed to get this out, needed to make him understand. “And how it was a mistake, we shouldn't have done it and I really don't want us to be 'friends with benefits'.”

“I see.” Said Marcus, once again folding his arms across his chest. “Was I really that bad in bed then?”

“What?” I spluttered in surprise. “No! I didn't say that!”

“So you enjoyed it?” Marcus said, his face a mask of seriousness. “And be honest with me.”

I took a deep breath, delaying the moment of admission, because it was really something I didn't want to admit to, knowing it would make this harder. But still, my honest nature won out.

“Yes. I enjoyed it.” I admitted. But I was quick to add. “I enjoyed it at the time, but after...”

“Who cares about after?” The raccoon interrupted. “The point is, you enjoyed it, I enjoyed it. And you needed it. I mean, when was the last time you got laid? You needed it badly, and I was happy to help, to help you feel better, because that's what a friend does.”

“That's hardly...” I tried to say something.

But Marcus wasn't done yet, cutting me off. “So don't get all fucking self-righteous with me and insult me by saying it was a mistake! Because it wasn't, whatever that messed up conscience of yours might be telling you!”

A massive swell of guilt welled up in me. This wasn't going well, all I was managing to do was insult and hurt my friend.

“I...” I groped for words, trying to find something that could resolve this without any more hurt feelings. “I... I appreciate you being there for me. I really do, Marcus.” I put a friendly paw on his shoulder. “But I don't want sex to complicate our friendship. It can't happen again.”

Marcus angrily shook off my paw. “So that's it? You get to use me for sex and then toss me aside? I never had you pegged for a one night stand kind of a guy, Harv...”

“I am not tossing you aside!” I protested, realizing I had seriously lost control of this conversation. “You're still my friend. I just don't think we should sleep together again...”

Glaring at me intensely, Marcus thought for a second before he responded. “So if I, as your friend, needed what you needed the the other night, you wouldn't help me? You wouldn't be a good enough friend to give me what I gave you?”

“Marcus, that isn't fair...” I said. I couldn't stop myself feeling guilty and ashamed at myself. I guess that was exactly what the raccoon was going for.

“Well, sorry to break this to you, but life isn't fair.” Marcus spat. “Especially when you tell your supposed friend 'Thanks for the fuck, but you you don't get the same consideration'...”

The way he slipped 'supposed' in there stung, it really did. I wanted desperately to find the right words to convince my friend this was for the best, and to make him feel better.

“I'm so sorry, Marcus.” I said, unable to keep the pain from my voice. “You're my friend and I care about you. But I don't want to... I can't...” I trailed off, trying to figure out what comes next.

Marcus stared at me, his anger seeming to fade some. Maybe it was the sound of my voice, maybe my words were getting through to him.

“Oh, Harvey...” He stepped forward and hugged me, wrapping his arms around my waist and pressing himself against me firmly. “I think I understand.”

I didn't resist, and hugged him back. I was grateful that he seemed to have accepted my position on things. He understood. Things were going to be okay...

“This is because of that damn badger, isn't it?” Marcus muttered.

That comment surprised me, and I quickly pulled away out of the hug, looking down at him. He didn't let go of me though, keeping his paws on my hips as I looked him in the eye.

“What the hell are you talking about?” I asked.

“Oh come on, Harv, it's bloody obvious.” Marcus said, with a roll of his eyes. “This badger comes along, you get infatuated, and suddenly I'm not that important to you...”

“What?” I was utterly shocked that he would make such an accusation, that he would drag Oliver into this. “That's ridiculous!”

He patted me on the chest. “Yeah, you keep on telling yourself that, Harvey.”

“It's true!” I said, firmly. “You are not suddenly unimportant to me...”

“Please, Harvey, I'm not an idiot.” Marcus sighed. “I know you. And this is exactly what I was worried about. You're seeing feelings that aren't there, getting infatuated, going too far too fast...”

“This has nothing to do with Oliver!” I said, stepping back from him. “This is about you and me and our friendship!”

“Really?” The raccoon let out a chuckle. “Then tell me honestly, is at least part of your not wanting to sleep together again because you think this Oliver guy wouldn't like it?”

I was about to say no, protest about how stupid a notion that is, but I stop for a moment and actually consider it. And I have to face the cold hard truth...

“Partly, yes, maybe it is.” My honesty forced me to admit. “But there's more to it than just that!”

“You've know this guy how long? Less than a week?” Marcus said. “And you're already putting him ahead of your best friend!”

It sounded really bad when he put it like that. Especially because it was technically true, in a way. I felt a need to defend myself. “It's more than just that! I don't want sex to complicate and ruin our friendship, because it means a lot to me!”

His ears flick at that and he shakes his head. “And you automatically assume it will. You don't even consider the possibility that it might enhance out friendship, make us closer, better friends.”

Actually, I hadn't considered that. “I didn't want to risk it...” I tried to explain.

Marcus sighed and rolled his eyes. “Whatever. Try to justify it to yourself however you like, Harv, we both know the truth.”

“That is the truth!” I said.

“The point is,” The raccoon said, shrugging off my protest. “You're on your way to a broken heart. And I'm the one who's going to have to pick up the pieces afterwards...”

“What are you talking about?” I was utterly confused. “Oliver and I...”

“Are not going to work out!” Marcus stated. “And we both know it! But you just don't want to admit it!”

I was annoyed at him now “You can't know that...”

“I know you, Harvey!” Marcus said. “You don't get close to people, you don't let people in. Why do you think we didn't work out, why I ended it? Because I realized that!”

“That's not true!” I snarled.

“You just don't want to admit it!” The raccoon said. “But tell me, have you told him why you're not a cop anymore?”

“No, but...”

Marcus cut in, continuing. “How about your family? You told him anything about your parents?”

“Again, no...” I admitted.

“Have you told him about Evan?”

My thoughts came to a crashing halt at the mention of that name. I glared at the raccoon.

He raised his paws in apology. “I'm sorry, Harv, I know you don't like to even hear that name. But I'm making a point here. You don't tell anyone about so much of yourself. Hell, I've known you for years, and even I only know just the smallest of details.”

I didn't know what to say. Because he had a point. But Oliver was different, I was planning to...

“I'd guess you're probably telling yourself you will tell him.” Marcus put a comforting paw on my arm. “But you will sub-consciously seize on any excuse to put it off, to not actually go through with it.”

That caused me to pause. Was I actually going to do that? Had I done it already?

“That's who you are, Harvey.” Marcus said. “And that's fine, I accept that about you. But you can't expect a relationship to work out when you won't share anything about yourself."

"That... that's not who I am." I said, trying to defend myself, but I'm unable to keep the uncertainty from my voice.

Marcus simply sighed. "I know you think that, buddy. The truth can be hard to accept sometimes."

I wanted to reply, to tell him how wrong he was, but my retorts kept dying in my throat as I realised how feeble they sounded. I wasn't entirely certain that he was wrong...

As I was stumbling over my words, my raccoon friend simply patted me on the chest with a reassuring paw. "Just think about it, Harvey. Deep down, you know I'm right."

He turned to leave, looking back over his shoulder as he headed for the door. "And should you go ahead with this... whatever it is with that badger, I'll still be here for you when it so goes wrong and you get your heart broken again."

"You don't know it'll turn out that way." I protested.

Marcus shot me a sad smile. "I do know that, Harvey. But you keep telling yourself otherwise if it helps you feel better."

And then he left. As the door closed behind him, I was wracked with doubts. About myself. About my future. About any possible relationship with Oliver.

And I wasn't sure what I was going to do...

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

I wasn't sure what I was going to do once Justin got there...

I had arrived early at the coffee shop, having over estimated how long it would take to get there. It was a lovely, well decorated independent place. I got myself a latte and settled into a large leather seat at a corner table.

Despite my best efforts, I couldn't stop myself thinking about what to do once Justin got there. I really needed to go through with telling him what I needed to tell him. But at the same time, he had something he needed to tell me, and it sounded like it might be serious.

So do I let him talk first? I wondered. If it's something bad and then I turn around and tell him I can't see him any more, won't that just seem like I'm abandoning him when he might need my help? Could I really do that to him?

But if I talked first, he might be put off telling me what he needed to get off his chest. And after the way he had sounded on the phone, I would guess he really needed to talk to someone. Denying him that would leave me feeling horribly guilty.

There was of course the temptation to just forget about me telling him anything about how I was feeling. The only thing stopping me was my promise to Harvey, but that was more than enough to help me resist that temptation. I did not want to disappoint that bear.

My options seemed to be limited and none of them were good. I sat there sipping my coffee, going over them again and again and again in my head as I waited, and completely failed to reach any kind of decision.

My eyes went to the entrance every time the door opened, partially dreading the moment when it would be Justin. A part of me started building up this irrational hope that he wouldn't turn up, that something would come up and I'd receive a text message from him at any moment now telling me that he couldn't make it, that we'd have to postpone what was likely to be a deeply uncomfortable conversation.

That hope crumbled when I looked up once again to see Justin walking in the door, my heart skipping a beat at the sight of the handsome fox with his well-groomed, perfect red fur and immaculate smart suit. He stood at the door for a moment before spotting me and giving me a smile and a wave. I waved back at him and he headed for the counter to get himself a drink.

I sipped at my coffee and took several deep breaths, trying my best to calm my nerves and get my thoughts in order.

A few minutes later, he sat himself down across from me, steaming mug of coffee in one paw, smiling warmly. “Hey there, Oliver, how are you doing today?”

“Oh, as well as can be expected, I suppose.” I said, shooting him a small smile. “Continuing to recover. Getting used to having an arm trapped in a cast, especially not being able to scratch it when it itches. And going crazy with boredom not being at work.”

“Even though you hate that place you work at?” Justin asked, with a raised eyebrow.

“It's not that bad...” I started to say with a shrug. But then I couldn't finish that sentence and sighed. “Okay, yeah, maybe it is that bad. It kept me busy, though.”

The fox across from me chuckled slightly and took another gulp of coffee. I knew Justin well enough to read the nervousness in his body language, hidden behind the smile and the laugh.

There was a few moments of awkward silence between us, the both of us sipping at our coffee and glancing at each other, as if we were both expecting the other to speak first.

I finally decided to end the quiet. It was time to fulfil my promise to Harvey, get out how I felt. I had no idea how this would go, how Justin would take it, but I had to...

“I'm sorry, Oliver...” Justin said, before I was able to gather thoughts enough to speak. “But I... fuck, this is tough to say...”

“Justin...” I tried to say something, but he interrupted me.

“Please, Oliver, just let me talk.” He pleaded. “I need to get this out, or I might not get it out at all.”

I nodded and lapsed into silence, my mind once again racing over the possibilities of what he might have to tell me, even though I was about to find out.

“It's just...” The fox began. He paused and sighed before continuing. “I don't think I can see you any more.”

That was one possibility I hadn't considered at all and sat back in my chair in surprise. He didn't want to see me anymore? Really? I just couldn't fathom why he might feel that way...

He seemed to notice my reaction and hurried to explain. “I'm so sorry, Oliver.” He said, looking miserable. “I really hate myself for having to do this, what with you being hurt and reaching out for a friend...”

Seeing this normally upbeat and vibrant fox who I loved and admired looking so pained and downcast was more than a little startling. I hadn't ever seen him like this before.

“I want to be there for you, I really do.” He said. “But the truth of the matter is, it's just too difficult to be around you... because I still love you...”

I had thought there was nothing he could have said that would have shocked me as much as him not wanting to see me anymore. I was wrong. That was something I never imagined hearing him say, except in my most far-fetched of fantasies.

“I... I don't know what to say...” I said. I really didn't.

“I know it's a shock.” Justin said, with an immense sadness in his eyes. “I thought I was over you, but hanging out with you this week... it just reawakened a lot of old feelings.”

My head was spinning, my mind reeling from what he had told me. He still loved me! My imagination was going wild with the possibilities. Us getting back together. Sharing a home and getting married. Living happily ever after. Yeah, I was getting ahead of myself, but part of me really didn't care.

“But we're just not right for each other...” Justin said, causing my imaginings to come to a crashing halt. “And we both know it. So I'm not going to ask to get back together, it just wouldn't end well...”

I wasn't sure that was true. Some part of me knew that it probably was, there was plenty of things about Justin that had bugged me, looking back on it. There were plenty of ways in which we were incompatible that I had always overlooked and ignored because I had loved him so much.

And that was the point. I loved him! Some other part of me was sure that was enough. Wasn't it? But I had loved him before and it had ended in heartbreak. How would this time be any different? We were still very different, neither of us had really changed that much. Surely it would just be a matter of time until we split again and I went through the pain of losing him again? Or would it really go that way again? Could we make it work this time?

As my mind continued to go crazy trying to process what I'd just been told, Justin was still talking.

“And with the way I feel about you...” He said. “It's just too difficult to be around you, too painful knowing that it can never be more than friendship.” He looked me in the eye, sadness and regret practically radiating from him. “So, I'm going to have to ask that we don't see each other any more... at least for a while until I finally get over my feelings for you and manage to move on.”

“I... I...” I stammered, struggling to figure out what to say.

“I'm so very sorry, Oliver.” Justin said. “I hope you can understand.”

I looked at him in silence, momentarily unsure of how to respond. There was a strong temptation to grab him and hug him and tell the fox how I felt, but I managed to resist it. I knew that would be the wrong thing to do while I was still figuring out how I felt about this development.

Finally, I said. “Yes, I understand completely.” It was, after all, true.

Justin nodded silently, looking a little relived, but at the same time, still rather sad and unhappy. I wished there was something I could say to make him feel better, to bring back that foxish smile I knew and loved. But I couldn't think of anything that wouldn't just complicate matters.

“I wish it didn't  have to be this way.” Justin said. “I don't want to just break things off and abandon you. I mean... if you absolutely need someone to talk to, we can talk on the phone... but it can't be anything more than that for now...”

He was right. Everything he'd said was right and reasonable and sensible. Yet, it was still difficult to hear, it still set off so many conflicting thoughts and feelings in me. And I couldn't bring myself to tell him about any of it. Instead, the look of misery on his features led me to ask. “Are you going to be okay?”

The fox blinked in surprise and then let out a little chuckle. “Still the same wonderful thoughtful badger.” He said with a slight shake of his head. “You're hurt and bored and lonely, I've dragged you here to tell you something terrible, and yet you're first thought is how I am, when I'm the one who should be asking that of you...”

He put on a weak smile. “Yes, I'll be fine, Oliver. Thanks for asking. But will you be okay?”

I didn't know how to answer that, my head was still a writhing mass of confused emotions. I thought about it and responded with something I hoped would be both honest and reassuring.

“I think so.” I said. “I guess I just need some time to process this, let it sink in.”

Justin seemed to accept that, nodding and saying. “It's for the best, Oliver. You deserve someone who's right for you, and that just isn't me...”

I was utterly uncertain whether or not that was true.

We made awkward small talk for a while after that while we finished our coffee, but I think both of us were really occupied with other thoughts. Before too long, the time came for us to leave, to go our separate ways.

Justin said sorry once again about everything, and I once again assured him that I'd be okay. We shared one last hug and then he was gone, walking away and out of my life, leaving me with the knowledge that I might very well not ever see him again.

I walked home sullenly, unable to stop thinking about Justin and the revelation that he still had feelings for me, going back and forth about what I was going to do with this new information.

Once I reached home, I sat down on the couch and stared at the ceiling. I had no idea what to do now.

I wanted to put aside my feelings for Justin, move on and look to the future.

I wanted to grab my phone and call him, tell him that I still loved him too, try my best to get back together with him.

It was painful trying to figure this out. I buried my face in my paws, my head pounding with the stress and confusion.

I tried my best to be sensible and logical. Justin and I just didn't work as a couple, in spite of how we might have felt. We were too different, there were plenty of things about him that grated on my nerves, that I had hated, which I had simply put up with because of how I felt about him. Because the alternative had been breaking up with him, had been being alone.

And that was it, wasn't it? I didn't want to be alone. I hated being lonely, had hated it all this time I had been single. And now there was this chance I could get back together with Justin, that I'd once again have someone to cuddle, someone to talk to, someone to share my life with. Shouldn't I take it? Who knows when another opportunity might come along again?

But would it be worth it? How long would it last before our differences drove us apart again? Was I really prepared to suffer through the fox's annoying quirks and flaws for the sake of staving off my loneliness? Would I be able to handle the heartbreak when it ended again?

If it ended, I had to correct myself. Maybe the relationship would work this time? It was unlikely, I had to admit, but there was hope there all the same.

And what was the alternative? Wallow in my loneliness, clinging to the vague hope that somehow, at some point in the future, something might change? It hadn't changed in the past few years, what hope was there it would change any time soon?

When it came right down to it, which was the more vain hope? That my life might change, that I would magically find love again? Or that things with Justin could work this time?

I sat back, not knowing the answer. My eyes wandered around my apartment. It seemed so cold and empty without someone here with me. A wave of soul-crushing loneliness washed over me...

What the fuck was I doing? I didn't have to be sitting here alone. Not with Justin still loving me and me loving him. Why the hell was I even considering not calling him and trying to get back together? It was crazy, a part of me had wanted to be back with him ever since he'd broken up with me. And now that it was a real possibility, I was hesitating?

Jumping up off the couch, I headed to grab my phone. I was going to call him. Tell him everything about how I felt and how much I wanted to be with him again....

I dug my paw into my jacket pocket, and fished out my phone. I'd get back together with Justin, I knew I'd be able to talk him into giving it a try...

It would work. It had to, there was simply no other...

My thoughts came to a crashing halt as I glared down at the phone in my paw. I had just unlocked it  and the first thing I'd seen was a name that had made me stop.

Harvey.

It was the text message he'd sent me, with his address for tomorrow night. I must have forgotten to close it. In all the craziness and shock and distraction that followed my meeting with Justin, I had kind of forgotten about the bear.

But that message staring up at me was a sudden reminder. And suddenly, just like that, a large chunk of my loneliness vanished and reality seemed to come crashing back in for me. I shook my head, feeling stupid and foolish.

I had actually been about to call Justin and try to get back together with him! That was insane! I could hardly believe I'd just let the loneliness get to me like that. Although, in my defence, the revelation about Justin's feelings had seriously thrown me for a loop and hadn't helped matters.

I ran my thumb over the bear's name on the screen of the phone. “Saved me again, hero.” I muttered. I put the phone away.

With a sigh I returned to the couch, thinking about Harvey, my loneliness continuing to fade. No matter what happened with the bear, he was proof that my life could change, that I could meet new people, that I could move forward.

Even if things went nowhere with Harvey, even if we ended up not being able to be friends due to my ever-growing feelings towards him, the fact that a wonderful guy like him had come into my life helped me believe that it could happen again in future. He gave me hope.

At least, far more hope than I had that a renewed relationship with Justin might work. Then and there, I couldn't believe I had been about to call him.

Perhaps... perhaps this really was an opportunity. To finally let him go and move on. To look to the future, whatever it might bring. The fox was my past, and it hadn't worked out. Maybe I could finally learn to accept that?

I didn't know, to be honest. But trying seemed to be my best option.

Grabbing the TV remote, I switched it on and flicking through the channels. I ultimately settled on some ridiculously over the top crime drama, hoping it would distract me from things for a while.

In the back of my mind, I was still worrying and anxious over everything. Was this the right decision? Would I regret it later? Should I reconsider things with Justin?

But I did my best to try and suppress and ignore those thoughts. Right then, I was feeling calmer and more confident in myself than I had all been all day. And tomorrow I'd be going to dinner with a handsome, wonderful bear and I was determined to enjoy my time with him.

I was seriously looking forward to it...

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

I was seriously looking forward to tomorrow...

That was the thought running through my head Friday night as I stood in the bathroom at work, washing up before I left. It had been a long busy day but it was finally over. Chuck was ready to lock up the garage for the night.

I'd been a little distracted throughout work on that day, the conversation with Marcus hanging over me like a black cloud. His accusations weighed on me. I wished I could just forget what he said, block it out of my mind. But the thing is, I really thought everything he said could be true.

But if I wanted things to change, I was going to have to be the one to do it. Which was very much easier said than done. I was just a very private guy, I found it hard to open up to people.

And yet, I wanted to open up to Oliver, I really did. I was certain of that. At least I thought I was...

On top of that were my concerns about my job. Today had been just like yesterday. I had worked hard and got a lot done, but it had once again been unsatisfying, like an unpleasant chore to be endured. Not like something I wanted to spend the rest of his life doing.

It meant only one thing. This job wasn't for me, no matter how well I'd convinced myself otherwise over the past several years. It was as if some illusion I'd bought into and been shattered and I was realizing the truth, unable to believe in that illusion any more.

So, I could either stick with the job, live a life working an unsatisfying career. Or go looking for something else.

I couldn't go back to what I truly wanted to do. Being a police officer was an option permanently closed to me now. But may something else could...?

There was a sudden knock on the door, snapping me out of my thoughts. “Hey Harvey!” Came Chuck's gruff voice. “You going to be in there all night? I'm waiting to get this place locked up!”

How long had I been standing there just lost in thought? Too long, it seemed...

“Sorry Chuck, I'll be right out!” I called back to the old cougar.

As I quickly finished washing, I thought about Chuck, and what me looking for a new job might do to him. He'd been good enough to give me a job when I needed one. I couldn't shake the vague feeling that me just suddenly deciding this job wasn't for me and leaving would be a big act of disloyalty on my part.

And beyond that, Chuck also told me I was his hardest working employee. Would he be able to manage without me? Would I just be leaving him in the lurch because of my own selfish desires?

Those thoughts plagued me as I left the bathroom and waited outside the garage as Chuck locked up the place and set the alarms. Just as he did every Friday

But then he broke from our usual routine. Rather than thanking me for my hard work and wishing me goodnight, he instead looked me square in the eye and said. “Come have a beer with me, Harvey.” He pointed to a bar further along on the other side of the street and started strolling towards it, not waiting for me to respond, as if just expecting me to follow.

This unexpected development had me blinking in surprise. I walked after him. “Actually, Chuck, I can't, I want to get to the gym and...”

The cougar stopped and turned to stare at me, seriously. “It wasn't a request, Harvey. Come and have a beer with me.” His tone was stern. It wouldn't be argued with. I decided not to bother trying.

I nodded silently and followed him to the bar, wondering what this was about.

It was still early evening, so the bar wasn't very busy. Chuck ordered us a couple of bottles of beer and motioned for me to take a seat next to him at the far end of the bar, where it was quiet and relatively private.

The bartender delivered our beers and I immediately took a long gulp of mine, glancing worryingly at my friend and boss.

Chuck just took a quick sip from his bottle and looked at me before he laughed. “Oh, stop looking like some nervous little cub who's been sent to the Principal's office! This isn't anything to be concerned about...”

I couldn't help but chuckle a little myself. “Then why...?” 

“I just wanted to have a talk with you away from work.” Chuck said, putting down his beer. “Make sure you're doing okay. You seem to have had a crazy week.”

“Yeah.” I had to admit he was right about that. “It's hard to believe it's only been a week now since I saved Oliver's life...”

“Oliver's that badger, right?” The cougar asked, looking at me curiously.

I nodded. “Yeah. And well... what happened kind of set off a whole series of things I had to deal with, and gave me a lot to think about.” 

“I see.” He said with a nod. “Life does throw crazy shit at you when you least expect it. Anything on your mind you want to talk about, Harvey? I'd like to help if you need it. Hell, sometimes just talking to someone can help.”

I paused, wondering if I should talk to the old cougar. This was the perfect opportunity to talk to him about my job, what I'd realized, let him know I might be leaving in the near future. Yeah, it would probably piss him off, but it seemed like the right and honest thing to do...

“But if you'd rather keep things to yourself, I understand.” Chuck added after I didn't respond. “I won't push it. I know you tend to be a private guy.”

“No, there is something I should talk to you about.” I said with a sigh. It was best to get this out of the way with here and now.

Pausing for a moment, I attempted to gather my thoughts and figure out the best way to say it, which turned out to be harder than I thought,. Chuck sipped his beer, patiently waiting for me to continue.

“I just...” I stumbled over the words. Damn, this was difficult to say. “I've come to realise that working at the garage just isn't for me... it isn't what I want to be doing with my life and maybe I should be looking for another job elsewhere...”

I trailed off and glanced at Chuck. The old cougar's face was unreadable for a moment, and I was certain an angry and hurt speech is coming about how he gave me a job and how disloyal I'm being.

A second later, it turned out I was very wrong.

Chuck's muzzle split into a grin and he threw back his head, letting out a short hearty laugh. I stared at him in surprise as he looked me in the eye.

“It's about fucking time you figured that out, Harvey!” He said. “Of course the job isn't for you! I knew that  from day one! I knew it was just a matter of time until you figured it out... although I didn't think it would take you this long...”

To say I was confused at this reaction would be a huge understatement. "Seriously?" I blurted out.

The old cougar shook his head. "I might not be the sharpest tool in the box, Harvey, but I'm not an idiot." He said. "And I know you. Fixing cars for the rest of your life is not for you. You're capable of so much more, and you want to do more, we both know that." He sighed. "Even if whatever mess of crap you went through before you came to me looking for a job might have made you forget that, it's still true."

I never did tell Chuck the exact details of the end of my police career. I had always meant to, but between one thing and another, I had never got around to it. Chuck himself had never asked, respecting my privacy and probably assuming that I would eventually give him the whole story when I was ready to tell it.

But I never did tell him. Great, more evidence that Marcus might have been right about me.

"I am glad you have finally started remembering." Chuck said, giving me a friendly slap on the back. "Took you long enough. So you do you whatever you have to do, Harvey. Find out what you want to do with yourself. You can carry on working for me until you figure it out..."

"I won't be leaving you in the lurch if I find another job and leave?" I asked, still a little concerned.

The old cougar let out a laugh. "Harvey, you are one of my best employees, but I got by before you started working at my garage and I expect I'll get by just fine once you're gone."

I nodded, thoughtful. "Okay, but I am still very grateful for your help and understanding and everything. And giving me a job when I needed one."

“Well,” Chuck said, his expression suddenly serious. “I had a promise to keep.”

That took me by surprise. “Promise? What promise?”

The cougar sighed, putting down his beer. “I never told you this before...” He turned to look at me. “Because, well, it never came up before. And it's not something I like to talk about...”

He paused a moment, and then said. “You know how your Dad and I met, right?”

“Yeah, the big fire at your apartment building...” I had heard the story several times, both from Chuck and from Dad, before he died.

“And your Dad saved my life.” He nodded, serious and earnest. “Coming so close to death that night... it really had a profound effect on me. I turned my life around after that. But I also wanted to track down and personally thank the fire-fighter who had pulled my ass out of that inferno...”

“And you guys hit it off and became good friends.” I finished for him. As I said, I'd heard the story before.

Chuck shook his head. “There's a bit more to it than that.”

He quickly gulped down another mouthful of beer before he carried on. “When he saved me, he came close to death as well. When I found him, he was freaking out about it a little...”

I thought of my Dad, the hero who was always calm and collected and confident in everything he did, full of love and humour. I tried to imagine him freaking out about anything. And failed.

Something in my expression must have tipped off Chuck as to what I was thinking. “Yeah, I know it doesn't sound like him. Thing is, he'd always known being a fire-fighter was dangerous, but he'd never come as close to losing his life as he did that night. It made the danger more real than it had been before. And he was scared...”

“Dad was never scared of anything...” I protested.

“I know, I know!” He held up a paw to silence me. “Your Dad was a very brave guy. That time was really the only time I saw him like that. And it wasn't the danger of his job he was scared of... it was the idea of leaving you and you mother.” 

“He... what?” I wasn't sure I understood.

“He was terrified of leaving you and your Mother alone.” Chuck explained. “Leaving you without a father, your mother without a husband. He... he was actually considering quitting.”

I found that hard to accept. “No way! Dad loved being a fire-fighter more than anything!”

Chuck nodded. “He did love what he did a hell of a lot, yes. He told me that idea of not doing that job, not being there to help people in need... well, it would be like ripping out a big part of who he was. So yeah, he loved being a fire-fighter. But you know what?”

“What?”

He fixed me with a hard serious stare. “He loved you and your Mom more. Don't ever think otherwise, Harvey.”

That... That hit me hard. I felt a wave of powerful emotion wash over me, warmth and sadness in equal measure. Dad had been gone a long time, I liked to think I had come to terms with his death. But I still missed him and expected I always would. And talking about him would always lead to strong feelings, especially after hearing that kind of thing about him.

I turned away from Chuck, taking a few moments to stare down at my beer bottle, forcing back the tears in my eyes. I'm sure Chuck noticed, but he said nothing, giving me a little time to compose myself.

After a few minutes, the old cougar continued as if there had been no interruption. "The point is, he was really shaken up, worrying about leaving you with no one to look out for you. So, in an attempt to make him feel a little better, I made him a promise that if something ever did happen to him, I would keep an eye on you, help you out in any way I could if you ever needed it." He shrugged. "It was the least I could do. So, when you needed a job, I gave you one, no questions asked."

That was all news to me. I was left not knowing exactly how to respond. "I had no idea..."

"So, you ever need anything that I can give, Harvey, just let me know." Chuck said. "I will always be there to help you out, if I can. Hell, it's not even because of the promise, not anymore." He looked me in the eye, seriousness on his face. "It's because you're a great guy and a good friend."

"Thank you, Chuck." I replied. I felt a pleasant appreciative warmth at this affirmation of the cougar's friendship and the knowledge that he would have my back.

"No problem." He said, with a small smile. He gulped down another muzzleful of beer and suddenly seemed to decide to change the subject. "But enough about that... tell me more about this badger, this Oliver..."

I accepted the shift in topic without protest, happy to talk about something more cheerier, and my new badger friend certainly qualified. "Sure." I said. "What do you want to know?"

“Nice guy, is he?” Chuck asked.

“Oh, he's a fantastic guy.” I said, smiling at the thought of the badger. “Friendly and thoughtful and caring. I already consider him a good friend.”

“Is he doing okay after getting attacked like that?”

I nodded. “Yeah, he's recovering, been discharged from the hospital and everything. He's a strong, resilient guy, even if he doesn't seem to realize it himself...”

The cougar was watching me carefully. “The look on your face when you talk about him... and when you mentioned him earlier... you really like this badger, don't you?” Chuck asked, his tone serious. "As in possibly more than just friends?"

“Well...yes.” There seemed no point in trying to deny it.

“Thought so.” He said, the corners of his mouth turning upwards in a slight smile. “And have you told him you're interested in him in that way?”

“Well... no, not yet...”

“Have you not seen him much then?” Chuck said with a frown.

“No, I've spent plenty of time with him this past week.” I said. “But it just hasn't seemed like the right time to bring it up...”

The cougar rolled his eyes and lets out an exasperated sigh. “For crying out loud, Harvey, its not rocket science! You're interested in someone, you tell them to find out if they're interested in you too...”

“It's not that simple...” I tried to explain, but every way I come up with to continue that sentence felt silly and feeble.

“Bullshit, Harvey.” Chuck says. “You like him, you tell him. Anything else is a waste of time and simply dragging things out.”

“But...” I tried to protest. “But what if he isn't interested?”

The old cougar shrugged. “Well, in that case, you know for certain. You can make a start getting over whatever hurt that causes and move forward without the uncertainty hanging over you.”

“I suppose that makes sense...” I said, thoughtfully.

Chuck let out a laugh. “Of course it does! So, are you going to...”

With a sigh, I gave in. I know Chuck is right. I have to tell Oliver rather than continue to let it prey on my mind. Maybe he actually will be interested in trying to be more than just friends. Hell, stranger things have happened. Even if I had trouble thinking of any examples at that exact moment.

“Fine.” I said. “I'll talk to him about it at dinner tomorrow night.”

The cougar stops in the middle of sipping his beer, raising an eyebrow at me. “Dinner?”

“Yeah.” I explained. “He's taking me out to dinner.”

“So the guy you're not sure is interested in you is taking you out on a date?” Chuck looked both amused and baffled. “You didn't think that might be a clue right there as to whether or not he likes you?”

“It's not really a date...” But as I said it, I can't help wonder once again... is it a date? I joked around with Oliver about it being a date, but didn't really think it was...

“Two people going out to dinner?” Said Chuck. “One definitely likes the other, there's a chance the other likes him back. Sounds like a date...”

“He just wanted to take me out to dinner to thank me for saving his life.” I explained.

"Uh-huh." Chuck grins, obviously unconvinced. "But date or not, it does sound like the perfect opportunity to tell him you're interested in him, don't you think?"

“I already said I would! Geez!” I chuckled, drinking down more beer, feeling warm and relaxed. “How come you're such an expert in giving love advice?”

The grizzled old cougar simply grinned at me. “Oh Harvey, you'd be surprised at the wide variety of subjects I have expertise in!”

“Don't be so sure!” I said, laughing back at him. “I remember all of Dad's stories about you and your chequered past!”

Chuck's grin grew wider. “Ah, but how many of those stories are true?” He said, a mischievous look in his eyes. “After all, another of my expert skills is embellishing my stories about my past!” I chuckled loudly in response to that.

We laughed and joked with each other a little longer while we finished off our beers then headed off on our separate ways, me off for my regular Friday night work out at the gym, and Chuck off to get ready for a hot date he had with a beautiful tigress he had apparently been seeing recently.

It came as a shock to me that I knew very little of Chuck's life outside the garage. I felt a twinge of guilt at that. I made a mental note to ask more about how things were going with him in future, and not stay so wrapped up in my own little world at work.

As I walked to my car, I was feeling good, and it wasn't just the light buzz from the beer. Talking to Chuck had really helped me feel a lot better about things. It felt like a weight off my shoulders to have his support and encouragement to pursue a change in career. And his advice about talking to Oliver really did seem like the right thing to do.

Of course, the problem of Marcus, his hurt feelings and his claims about my nature, was still a black cloud hanging over me, threatening my good mood. But it now seemed lesser somehow, more like something I could more easily figure out and deal with.

As my thoughts drifted to tomorrow and my dinner date with Oliver, I was hit by a pang of anxious nervousness. Talking to the badger about my feelings may be the right thing to do, but it was still a challenge to actually go through with it. After all, I could see very little chance of a wonderful guy like Oliver being that interested in a dull, workaholic, unattractive bear like me.

But I would do it all the same. Come what may, I knew that dinner tomorrow would see things change between Oliver and I. I could only hope it would be for the better...