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That Day, Part 12: Difficult Conversations I wasn’t sure what to make of Harvey’s friend, Marcus. Having invited him in following multiple assurances that it was important that he talk to me about Harvey, he stood in my living room, glancing around and sniffing at the air, looking at my home and furnishings with a sort of suspicious, disapproving expression. It did nothing to make me feel better about him. But I was determined to be polite. He was Harvey’s friend after all, and I didn’t want to do anything that might upset my bear. I gestured to my couch. “Please, have a seat. Coffee?” “Yes.” He said, carefully keeping his tone neutral. “Black please. Thank you.” In the kitchen, brewing a pot of coffee, my mind started racing, wondering about the conversation that was about to happen. What was so important that this raccoon would go to the trouble of tracking me down to talk to me? If it really was stuff about Harvey and his past, did I really want to hear it? Wouldn’t it be better to wait until Harvey felt like telling me himself? That is, if he ever told me. That unwelcome thought crept into my head. I loved him but had to be honest with myself that Harvey did remain reluctant to talk about himself and his past, often looking uncomfortable and changing the subject whenever I tried to steer a conversation in that direction. I wanted to respect his privacy, but I also wanted him to trust me enough to talk to me. That was silly. I knew Harvey trusted me. At least, I thought he did. My paranoid worries about telling him how I felt about him came rushing to the front of my mind. Could he really love me back if he didn’t trust me enough to tell me more about himself? But hearing about whatever was in Harvey’s past second-paw from a friend seemed a little wrong. Like going behind his back, prying into his life. We’d only been dating a matter of weeks; did I really have the right to do that? However, I was also very curious about what Marcus might have to say. Were there things I really needed to know? If it was something bad, surely it would be best if I knew sooner rather than later, before I got more attached, more in love than I already was? But I knew Harvey. I knew he was a wonderful caring thoughtful guy. I wouldn’t have fallen in love with him if he wasn’t. There surely couldn’t be anything that bad in his past, could there? And yet, if that were true, why hadn’t he told me anything, why did he always avoid the subject? My thoughts were going in circles and I was getting nowhere. I sighed and focused on making coffee. I would hear what Marcus had to say, I decided. I could always stop him if I felt he was revealing too much. When the coffee was made, I brought the mugs through to the living room, where the raccoon was sitting on my couch, fidgeting and looking uncomfortable. I handed him a mug of hot black coffee and sat down beside him. I didn’t like the way he looked me up and down, as if sizing me up. He sipped at his coffee and glared at me with what might have been disapproval in his eyes. Feeling uneasy, I got the conversation started, asking something that I was wondering about. “How did you find me? Did Harvey give you my address?” He put down his mug on the coffee table, shaking his head. “No. I followed him one time.” “Why?” That seemed a kind of creepy and unsavoury thing to do. “Because I could see how infatuated he was getting.” Marcus sighed. “And so, I knew I would eventually have to talk to you, so that you have an idea of what you’re getting into with him.” “I know what I’m getting into.” I insisted. “Harvey is amazing, he’s…” He held up a paw, interrupting me. “You think you know what you’re getting into. But believe me, you really don’t. Yes, in a lot of ways Harvey is great. But there are aspects of him I’m guessing you don’t have a clue about.” I got a little indignant at that. “You have no idea what I do and don’t know about Harvey.” “You didn’t know about me.” Marcus pointed out. “He never mentioned me.” “He’s mentioned a friend a few times.” I said. “And now that I think about it, I’m sure he did mention a ‘Marcus’ once.” Had that been the name of the friend Harvey had been having a problem with a while back? I couldn’t remember… “And what does that tell you?” The raccoon smirked. “He hardly talks about his best friend. You’ve got to ask yourself, if he won’t even talk about something like that, what big important parts of himself might he be keeping from you, lying to you about?” Despite me not wanting to, I had to admit that he had a bit of a point there. If I was honest, there was so much about the bear I loved that I didn’t know. But I refused to believe any of it was that bad. I wouldn’t let myself believe that. I shook my head. “Harvey’s just a private guy…” “Of course he is.” Marcus agreed. “I’ve known him for years, I’m well aware of that. But you must wonder why, right? What stuff about himself is he so desperate to keep hidden as to be so private and closed off? Hell, even as close as he and I are, friends with benefits, I only know the barest of details…” My blood suddenly ran cold at his words. “Friends with benefits?” “Of course!” He said, with a nod. “He and I have… oh…” He trailed off and winced as he saw my fallen expression and flattened ears. “He didn’t even tell you about that?” “No.” I said quietly. I had to put down my coffee as my paws were shaking. Inside, a cold stab of pain ripped through my heart at this revelation. Harvey, my boyfriend, the guy I had fallen in love with, was sleeping with someone else… My mind threw up images of the bear in bed, rutting with this raccoon, and a surge of raw unpleasant emotion surged through me. “I’m so sorry…” Marcus said. “It can’t be good to find out this way…” He tried to pat me on the knee in what I assume was a reassuring fashion, but I recoiled from his touch. I stood up quickly. “Excuse me, I’ll be right back.” I hurried off to the bathroom. Once I was inside, the door closed and locked, I sagged against the wall, sobbing gently, unable to stop myself continuing to picture my boyfriend with that raccoon. I sunk to the floor, pressing my damp eyes with my paws. What the fuck? Was all I could think coherently for several minutes as tears flowed. Other thoughts started to trickle back in. Was this why he had rejected my advances before? Because he’d prefer Marcus sharing his bed rather than the likes of me? Maybe I’d misread the hints after our date that he might have wanted me to spend the night. Maybe he really wasn’t interested in sex with me at all and I was just deluding myself. The cold feeling in my heart continued to grow, the pain joined by hard anger. I couldn’t believe Harvey was cheating on me! But was he? We’d never really discussed our relationship, whether it was open or not. Perhaps the fault was mine, assuming ours was a closed relationship when it really wasn’t and as far as Harvey knew, he was free to sleep with whoever he liked. Could I really have been that stupid as to not know if we were in an open relationship? The answer to that was simple. Yes, of course I could. And probably had been. The pain I was feeling was likely my own fault, for misreading the nature of my relationship with Harvey, for not being more handsome and attractive so that Harvey would want to sleep with me and not reject me in favour of fucking his friend instead. The awareness returned that the raccoon in question was still in my apartment, sitting on my couch, waiting for me to return. I did my best to reign in my emotion, sniffling and taking several deep breaths. I hauled myself up and staggered over to the sink, splashing water on my face and drying my fur with a towel, hoping to conceal the fact that I had been crying. I hoped he wasn’t able to smell the tears. I returned to the living room, still shaking somewhat and sat down on the couch, avoiding Marcus’ eyes and keeping some distance between us. A part of me wanted to hate him, to loathe him utterly for getting to sleep with Harvey when I didn’t. But I reminded myself that it wasn’t his fault that I didn’t know, it was Harvey’s for not telling me. It struck me that Harvey’s friend was more honest with me than Harvey himself apparently was… “Are you okay?” Marcus asked, concerned. “I’m sorry…” “It’s fine.” I lied. And then I haltingly asked. “How… how often do the two of you…” He understood what I was saying, saving me from having to force out the rest of that sentence. “As often as we need to, when one of us is feeling bad and needs comfort and to feel better.” It felt like a dagger of ice had been plunged into my chest, the idea that he’d seek comfort from someone other than me… “I know it’s difficult to hear this.” Marcus soothed. “But as I said, there are things about Harvey you need to know, especially as the two of you are in a relationship…” I was suddenly wishing that I didn’t know what he’d told me already. That was bad enough. I reflected for a moment on the truth of the old saying that ignorance is bliss. But then I supposed, it was probably better that I knew in the long run, no matter how much it hurt. And what more was there? What more could there be? How painful was this conversation going to get? Marcus sighed. “I really shouldn’t be surprised by how little he’s told you, but I still am. I always am.” “Always?” I didn’t like the implication of that. “I’ve seen him in a few other short-lived relationships before.” The raccoon explained, ears twitching. “He gets infatuated, plays the loving caring boyfriend while at the same time hiding so much about himself. Oh, he always tells himself he’ll tell them eventually, but he never does and sooner or later they find out for themselves and the truth tears them apart.” The full horror of that sank in, a cold feeling of dread creeping in on me. I didn’t want my relationship with Harvey to end, not after realising that I was in love with him. But what real difference was there between us and his previous relationships? Nothing, as far as I could see, if he was just as private with me as he had been with them… And now it seemed there was still more to learn about him, that Marcus was going to tell me. Would what I was about to hear break us up? If so, did I really want to hear anymore? But I knew I couldn’t stop this now. I wouldn’t be able to eat or sleep or focus on anything knowing there was something terrible about Harvey that I didn’t know. So, I took a deep breath, another sip of coffee, and carried on. “What truth? What else is there?” He paused for several long agonising seconds before he spoke again. “I’m guessing you’ve not seen Harvey’s temper yet.” I’m not sure what I had been expecting, but that wasn’t it. “What temper?” “Exactly.” Marcus sighed and shook his head. “I imagine he’s doing his best to kept it hidden from you, what with you being his current infatuation. But Harvey does have quite a terrible temper to him. And when it comes out, people have got hurt. I’d hate for that to happen to you because I know how much Harvey would hate himself for it, and I care about him…” “No.” I cut him off harshly. “I may not know Harvey as well as I’d like, but I refuse to believe that he’d ever do anything like that!” Harvey was a sweet and wonderful guy, I simply could not imagine him angry and possibly violent… “I know it’s hard to believe, but it’s true!” Marcus urged. “And you need to know…” “It’s impossible to believe!” I snarled back at him in disbelief. Why was he was trying to convince me of such complete bullshit? Harvey just wasn’t like that… My resolve suddenly faltered as a memory flashed to the front of my mind. In my hospital room when Dad had showed up. And Harvey stalking towards him, snarling with his claws out… And he had fought off four guys to save my life. That must have involved some violence, so I couldn’t realistically deny he was capable of it. But that had never been directed towards me. But did that mean it never would be? It was a horrible thought that I still refused to entertain. “Harvey would never hurt me.” I said, but it came out a lot weaker and less certain than I had intended. “I’m sure Evan thought the same.” Marcus said, sipping at his coffee “Evan?” I shot him a look of confusion. The raccoon was looking sad and tired as he put his mug down again. “Of course you haven’t heard of him…” He sighed before focusing his attention on me with a serious expression. “Evan was a boyfriend of Harvey’s, way back before I met him. They were in a serious relationship, together for a long time. I know Harvey really loved him…” he trailed off, seeming to be uncomfortable about saying any more. I waited, heart pounding in my chest, a horrible feeling about what was going to come next. “Evan ended up at the bottom of a concrete staircase.” Marcus finally said, quick and clinical. “A broken arm, a broken leg, cracked ribs, with Harvey at the top looking down at him, according to witnesses. He faced some assault charges over it, but Evan ultimately dropped them.” I was in shock, stunned into silence. Harvey, my Harvey, had actually assaulted a guy he loved? Thrown him down some stairs and left him with broken bones? I just… my mind couldn’t process it. It just rejected the very idea of my sweet caring Harvey ever doing something so horrible. “Before you start rejecting what I’ve just told you.” Marcus said quickly. “You don’t have to take my word for it. Feel free to look it up online. It was in the local papers at the time. That’s how I found out about it.” And then I remembered being tempted to do a search for Harvey online, shortly after we’d met, but choosing not to and respect his privacy. Maybe that had been a mistake. “I understand how shocking this is, I really do.” The raccoon was saying soothingly, as a whirlwind of confused emotion tore through me. “But the sooner you accept the truth, the better, and you’ll be able to figure out what you want to do.” That was true, I supposed. But still, some part of me clung to the hope that this thing with Evan was just some misunderstanding. “It was just one incident…” I said, but it sounded feeble and pathetic, even to me. Marcus fidgeted uncomfortably, avoiding my eyes and with horror, I realized why. “It’s not just one incident, is it?” I said, my heart sinking. I felt close to tears again. “You know Harvey used to be a cop, right?” Marcus said. “He at least told you that much?” “Yeah.” I said. But then I remembered I had actually figured it out from his reaction to the cops who had taken my statement about the attack. He hadn’t actually told me, and I found myself wondering if he would have… “Okay.” The raccoon nodded. “But I’m going to hazard a guess that he hasn’t explained why he got kicked out of the police force.” I could see where this was heading. “He assaulted someone?” “Not just someone.” He explained. “A fellow officer.” “Seriously?” If true, that was really worse than I had been expecting, and I had been expecting it to be bad “Oh yes.” He nodded in response. “You can look that up too if you like. I’m a little thin on the details. Just that he was expelled from the police force for assaulting a fellow officer, following a string of reprimands for other incidents.” This just kept getting worse and worse. “Other incidents?” “I didn’t dig too deep into it.” Marcus grimaced. “But I do remember him getting caught in a drug bust.” My eyes widened at that, my ears so flat they were almost burrowing into my skull. “Oh fuck…” “Yeah.” Marcus agreed sadly. “From what I read, there was a raid on a bar and he was found there hanging out with drug dealers. No charges were brought against him, but as I said, there was an official reprimand.” I sagged. This was all too much. My brain just couldn’t process it all. Sleeping with someone else, violence and anger, assaulting a boyfriend and fellow officers, drug dealers… Fucking hell, did I really know Harvey at all? Was the guy I’d fallen in love with just an act hiding a much uglier and more dangerous bear underneath? Suddenly, the prospect of ending things with him seemed a much more real possibility. “I’m so sorry to have to be the one to tell you all this.” Marcus said, sadness in his voice. “But if things are starting to get serious between you and Harvey, you needed to know, and he was hardly likely to tell you…” Of course, Harvey wasn’t going to tell me, that was obvious now. Why on Earth would he tell me all this horrible crap about himself if he could avoid it? “Thank you.” I said, quietly. “Thank you for telling me.” Anger bubbled up at having to hear all this from Harvey’s friend rather than Harvey himself. There was a pause and he seemed about to say something more. But I beat him to it. “I’m sorry, I don’t mean to be rude…” I said, my voice flat, my whole body shaking. “But I think I’m going to have to ask you to leave. I… I… I just need some time alone. I need to think about all this, figure things out.” “Of course.” Marcus said softly, getting to his feet. “I understand.” I got up to see him to the door, despite feeling weak and unstable on my feet. As we reached the door, he turned to me, looking concerned. “Before I go, can I ask a small favour?” He said. “What kind of favour?” I wanted to know before agreeing to anything. “Please don’t tell Harvey I was here and talked to you.” There was a little fear in his eyes. “I… I just don’t know how he’d react.” The image of Harvey assaulting Marcus for speaking to me flashed through my head and I really wanted to avoid that becoming a reality. “Of course.” I said with a small nod. “I promise I won’t tell him.” “Thank you, Oliver.” He said, shaking my paw. “You take care of yourself. Do whatever you have to do.” I nodded silently in response as he left. Once the door was closed, I wasn’t sure what to do next, my head awash with conflicting thoughts and emotions. I was feeling weak at the knees and staggered to my bedroom and flung myself onto the bed, curling up as I started to cry. A few hours ago, I had been so happy, revelling in the fact that I was love with Harvey. Now everything was dark and depressing. I now knew things about my bear, horrible worrying things that tore me up inside. I clung to the idea that I knew Harvey, he was a wonderful guy who would never hurt me, that there had to be some other explanation to what I’d learned about him. But serious doubts had now taken root and were growing rapidly. Could I really be that certain that I knew him? I called up the image of his angry snarling face as he confronted my Dad and imagined that directed at me. I shuddered at that horrific thought. Had I ignored signs and clues as to Harvey’s hidden nature? Had I been so grateful to him for saving my life that I had been blind to who he really might be? Just what the fuck had I got myself into with this relationship? And what the fuck was I going to do now? What the fuck am I going to do? That thought was running through my head as I sat in my car Thursday lunchtime, parked in a nice suburban street. A short way up the road was the small family home where I knew Oliver’s father lived. My paws squeezed the steering wheel as I was wracked with indecision. I had been so sure all the way here, since leaving work for my lunch break, quickly heading home to wash up and change out of my overalls and then driving here. The whole time, I had been positive that I was doing the right thing. But now that I was actually there, uncertainty had crept in. Confronting Oliver’s father… It could all go so very, very wrong. I was well aware of that. But I was also well aware that if it went well, if I managed to pull off a reconciliation, it would make my badger so very, very happy. But was it worth the risk? Put like that, it seemed obvious. Of course it was. Anything was worth the risk to make Oliver happy. Except what was at risk was my relationship with him. I was going behind his back after all, sticking my muzzle in where perhaps it didn’t really belong. I knew that was bad and wrong of me, but I felt sure Oliver wouldn’t break up with me when he found out, not over this. I’d apologize and find some way to make it up to him and we’d move on. And that was only if I failed. If I actually pulled this off, then I was certain all would be forgiven. I just had to have a calm and honest discussion with Oliver’s father, help him see sense. I could manage that, right? A part of me was really tempted to abandon the whole idea, just drive to Oliver’s place and surprise him with an unplanned lunch date. After all, something did seem to be bothering him. He’d been in a very good mood since our date at the weekend whenever we’d talked on the phone. But when we talked last night, something had changed. His voice had been flat and neutral, and he hadn’t said very much. I tried to get him to tell me what was up, but all he’d say was that he had stuff on his mind that he was thinking about, but wouldn’t tell me what. I’d have been there right now trying to make him feel better and doing whatever I could to help, if I hadn’t already been planning to come here and do this. But was I really going to do this? I had to decide. I couldn’t sit here all day. The memory of a toy guitar popped into my head, which was currently now occupying pride of place on a shelf at home, where I would see it every day and be reminded of how happy Oliver made me. I owed it to him to do anything I could to make him happy too. My mind made up, I took a deep calming breath and then got out of my car. Once I’d locked it up, I headed along the street to the home of Oliver’s father. As I approached it, my heart pounding in my chest, I suddenly wondered if he was home. If he wasn’t, I decided, I would abandon this whole idea and go see Oliver. I doubted I’d be able to muster up the courage to try this again. I wandered up the path to the front door. I paused before pressing the doorbell, knowing that this was it, my very last chance to turn back and not do this… To not do something that might make Oliver very happy? With that thought, I didn’t hesitate any longer. I pressed the button and perked my ears up at the jingling tone that echoed through the house beyond the door, taking a deep breath as I waited. A few moments later, the door swung open to reveal Edward Reynolds, Oliver’s father. The middle-aged badger was wearing battered old jeans and a red checked shirt. I got to see his initial expression of curiosity quickly dissolve into one of anger and disgust. “What the hell do you want?” He demanded. “I just want to talk to you.” I said, keeping my tone calm. It kind of helped that I could see so much of Oliver in his father. It helped me stay focused on the fact that I was doing this for him. “Well, I have no interest in talking to the likes of you.” He replied and was about to close the door. I wasn’t just going to give up, not with my badger’s happiness on the line. “Please.” I begged. “Just hear me out. I know you care about Oliver. Well, whether you believe it or not, I do too and want to see of there’s anything we can do to work things out.” He paused with the door partially closed, shooting me a strange thoughtful look. “I’d like to hear you out.” I added. “Try to understand your position.” Suspicion practically radiated from the older badger. I did my best to remain calm, trying to look open and honest and doing my best not to dwell on the memory of this guy hurling insults at Oliver in a hospital room… “Very well.” The badger said, cautiously. “I don’t expect it will do any good… But if there’s a chance, then for Oliver’s sake…” He motioned me inside and closed the door behind me. I found myself in the hallway of a typical suburban family home. A staircase ran up to the second floor, framed family photos on the wall all the way up. Shots of a younger Edward and a young female badger that must have been Oliver’s mother. I even spotted a few pictures of a young badger, one of him riding a bike, another of him smiling over a birthday cake, and yet another of him sat beside a Christmas tree opening presents. I couldn’t help but smile a little at getting to see my Oliver as a cub. And I was struck by the underlying scents of badgers all around, as if they were ingrained into the very structure of the house itself. Having been home to them for many years, it was hardly surprising. It was mainly the smell of Oliver’s father, but as I sniffed at the air, I managed to pick up a few others, including a very slight undercurrent of Oliver, old and stale. Edward led me through a wide archway to the right into a small, but still rather cosy, living room. There was a large couch, a few armchairs, a TV, a fireplace with more photos on display on the mantle above. I focused on them for a few moments. More shots of Oliver’s smiling mother. More of Oliver as a cub doing a variety of normal cub things. It struck me how he seemed to have no pictures on display of Oliver as an adult, or even in his late teens, almost as if on some level, he was refusing to accept that his son had actually grown up. Perhaps that was part of the problem. He waved a paw at the couch and I sat myself down, paws on my lap. Edward took a seat in one of the armchairs opposite me, glaring at me like he was trying to bore a hole through my skull with his eyes. Awkward uncomfortable silence filled the air between us for several minutes. In the end, I decided to be the one to break it. “So, I really want to try and understand you.” I began, slowly. “I want Oliver to be happy and I know the way things are between you and him makes him very unhappy.” “He knows what he has to do if he wants to be happy.” Edward’s tone was cold and hard-edged. “He has to give up this ridiculous gay thing he seems determined to cling to.” I bit back my first angry response to that. Well, my first several responses actually. I was determined to do my best to be calm and civilized here. “That’s…” I paused, picking my words carefully. “That’s a position I have a little trouble completely understanding.” “Well, the likes of you would have trouble understanding it...” The badger sneered. I wasn’t sure if that comment meant to be homophobic, implying it was because I was gay, or racist, because I was a bear and there were old stereotypes of bears often being slower and dumber compared to other species. Whichever it was, I took a deep breath, refusing to rise to the bait, despite my already rising feelings of annoyance. “Then please help me understand. Why describe being gay as ridiculous?” “Because it is!” Edward waved a paw in the air. “It’s wrong and unnatural, two males together… doing stuff…” His whole face wrinkled in disgust. “And I did not raise my son to be that way. Which means someone got to him, talked him into adopting this terrible lifestyle…” He sagged a little and sighed. “I should have done more to protect him.” It was in that moment that I realized that this was probably going to be a lot more difficult than I thought. I should have known that from my brief encounters with him before, but I guess I had let myself be overly optimistic rather than realistic. But I was there now, and for Oliver I was still going to try, in spite of the fact that my confidence that I could pull this off was starting to fade. Rather than just tell him how utterly wrong he was, I tried a different approach. “Tell me, did you turn out exactly how your parents wanted you to? Did every aspect of your life end up as they planned?” He scowled at me. “That’s entirely different! My parents may have wanted me to join the family business, they may have disapproved of my choice of wife…” “It’s the same principle.” I argued. “Oliver has turned out to not be exactly what you had envisioned when raising him. That doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with him.” “This is different!” Edward snarled. “This is him abandoning a normal life in favour of pursuing sexual perversion! He was supposed to be normal, to someday find love and settle down and have a family! That’s what…” He trailed off and closed his eyes, a pained look crossing his face. Then he said, more quietly. “That’s what Harriet had wanted for him…” I knew Harriet was Oliver’s mother, who had died during childbirth. Before that, they must have discussed what they wanted for their child. That kind of expectation, of a deceased loved one, was going to be difficult to overcome. Maybe impossible. So, don’t overcome it, I thought. Use it. “He can still do those things.” I said, trying to sound comforting and sympathetic. “He’ll just be doing them with a male instead of a female.” “Then he’ll be doing them wrong.” The pain was gone from Edward’s expression, replaced with hard anger. “Why do you think he can’t find love with another male and settle down with them?” I wanted to know. A hint of annoyance at the older badger’s stubbornness crept into my voice, I couldn’t help it. “Because it’s wrong and unnatural!” Edward growled, fixing me with an angry glare. “Sex between males is…” “I’m not talking about sex, I’m talking about love!” I interrupted, unable to hide my exasperation. He waved a paw dismissively. “Between two males? That’s not proper love.” “Of course it is!” I raised my voice a little before getting myself under control again. “I speak from experience. It is very possible for two males to love each other completely.” I was fudging the truth a little there. I had been deeply in love before, that was true. But Evan loving me… that was another story. But of course, Edward didn’t need to know about all that. “So, you admit you’re biased in favour of that delusion.” The badger shook his head. “I have no interest in listening to your homosexual propaganda. Besides…” He stared at me again. “Two males cannot start a family.” But I had been expecting that and was ready for it. “There are options. Surrogacy, adoption…” And before I could stop myself, I added. “Or are you horribly prejudiced against adopted people too?” I immediately kicked myself for it. This could go wrong very quickly if I antagonised him. Edward’s eyes were now full of hate and anger as he glowered at me. “How dare you come into my home and…” I cut him off, raising my paws in a placating fashion. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.” But it seemed like it was too little, too late. The badger was antagonised and angry now. “Apology not accepted.” He scowled. “Unless you’re also going to apologise for keeping my son from being normal and happy!” “He is normal and happy!” I shot back, his anger inflaming my own frustrations and annoyances. I could feel control of this conversation slipping away from me. “You just need to open that closed mind of yours and let yourself see it!” “It’s not true happiness…” Edward said. But I was sure I detected a slight hint of uncertainty in the way he said it, which encouraged me to keep trying to get through to him. “Of course it is.” I said, struggling to keep my temper under control. “Just because Oliver achieved it through a way you don’t approve of, doesn’t make it not true. And besides, surely Oliver is in a better position to decide if what he feels is real?” “He’s naïve.” The older badger grumbled, stubbornly clinging to his views. “He bought into this homosexual bullshit at a young age and doesn’t know any better. If he’d just see sense and try being straight…” Oh, for fuck’s sake. I’d heard that ‘try not being gay’ crap so many times before I had pretty much zero tolerance for it. “Have you tried being gay?” I blurted out in response. “What the hell are you talking about?” Edward was frowning, confusion mixed with his anger. I tried to clarify. “Well, you seem to think people can just choose whether to be gay or straight. Why don’t you prove that by choosing to be gay? Give it a try. You never know, you might like it…” Pretty much immediately, I knew it had been the wrong tactic to try. Edward’s expression became cold and stony, fierce fiery anger in his eyes. It seemed like I’d just pissed him off even more than I already had. “I’m not going to let you talk me into a degenerate lifestyle.” He snarled at me, practically spitting out the words. “I am not a freak or a pervert.” He’d missed that I was just trying to make a point, not talk him into anything. I found myself falling back on defending Oliver. “You really think your son is a freak and a pervert?” “No.” Edward glared hatefully at me. “Oliver is a good son who fell in with a bad crowd and made some bad choices and seems to be having difficulty realizing that. I’m not going to give up on making sure he sees that someday.” “You mean you’re going to keep on harassing him?” I narrowed my eyes at him. “I’m going to do whatever it takes to get through to him and help him see sense.” Edward’s tone was firm. “I am not going to give up on him.” I let out a deep sigh, feeling hopeless. Why the hell I had been so stupid as to think I could get through to him and make a difference? This had been a big mistake. I started to think I should get out of there before I made things too much worse. Unfortunately, it turned out I wasn’t too good at listening to myself. “Please, just leave him alone.” I pleaded. “When you see him and fling insults at him, all you’re doing is making him miserable.” “He’s making himself miserable.” Edward shot back. “All he has to do is give up this gay nonsense and…” “It’s not nonsense!” I snapped, my patience nearly at an end. “It’s part of who he is! You need to accept that! If you can’t, then you need to stay the hell away from him and let him live his life!” “That’s why you’re really here, isn’t it?” The badger was on his feet now. “To try to get me to give up on my son so you can keep him trapped in your immoral lifestyle?” A part of me knew I should have got out of there by then, that I should get out right there. But my patience was quickly crumbling, and I just couldn’t stop myself responding to Edward’s comments. “That’s ridiculous! I’m here to try and get through your pathetic bigoted attitude and stupid God-damned prejudices so that you can fix things with Oliver!” “Oliver and I…” Edward trailed off, looking momentarily thoughtful. Then he shook his head sadly. “How could I have not seen it?” He glared at me again. “Oliver sent you here, didn’t he?” “What?” I spluttered. “No!” Edward bristled. “I may not be quick, but I’m not stupid…” “That’s debateable!” I spat, my temper getting the better of me. “But it’s obvious now…” Edward glowered at me, ignoring my comment. “They only way you could know where I live is if Oliver told you!” Shit. I hadn’t thought about how I was going to explain that. I was only then realizing that I probably hadn’t thought this whole thing through as much as I should have, despite convincing myself beforehand that I had. The badger was shaking his head sadly. “I raised him better than this.” His hate-filled stare was directed at me again. “This is what being gay has done to him. Turned him into a coward who sends some brutish bear to talk to his father rather than having the balls to come talk to me himself!” “He didn’t send me!” I was on my feet now too, growling at him, my hackles rising. He ignored that and stabbed a paw in my direction. “Well, you tell him I am not giving up on him. I will help him see sense and get back to a normal life if it’s the last thing I do! No matter how disappointed in him I am for this little stunt…” Something in me snapped as the very last shreds of my patience vanished, replaced by the need to protect my badger from this source of misery. “Just leave him the fuck alone and let him be happy!” I growled. “And what are you going to do if I don’t?” Edward said, challenging me. I was a little impressed with his fearlessness, standing up to a bear who was quite a bit bigger and stronger than him. Only a little. I wasn’t sure how to properly respond to that. “Just… just stop harassing him!” He glanced down and then back up into my eyes. “You want to hit me, don’t you?” I’d clenched my paws into fists without realizing and he’d noticed. I forced myself to unclench them. “I’m not going to hit you.” Because I knew that would make this a whole lot worse then it already was, no matter how satisfying some part of me thought it would be. “That’s not what I asked.” Edward said, his needling tone now grating on my nerves. “Do you want to hit me?” There was no chance in hell of me answering that, because I knew that in my anger, I wouldn’t be able to lie effectively, and the truth would be a minor victory for him that I didn’t want to grant him. So, I ignored the question. “Leave Oliver alone!” I said slowly, growling out each word. “How will you stop me, you fucking queer?” Edward sneered at me, stepping closer. My reply came quickly, slipping out before I could even think about it, an answer driven by my fury and concern for my boyfriend’s wellbeing. “I’ll do whatever the fuck I have to do to protect Oliver from you!” Immediately, I regretted it, knowing full well it was going to worsen an already bad situation. But I couldn’t stop myself. My paws had already curled into fists again and I couldn’t seem to unclench them. “Then stop me!” Edward yelled. “Go ahead and hit me, you fucking faggot! I’d just love to have you arrested for assault!” Before I knew what I was doing, I had started to raise a fist in anger, wanting to shut him up. In my defence, I stopped myself, quickly lowering it again and taking a step back, away from the badger. Unfortunately, the damage was already done. Edward had flinched slightly when I brought up my fist but had stood his ground. Now he was glaring at me, an intense brew of hate and fury in his eyes. “This is who my son chooses over me?” He spat. “Some brutish violent thug who harasses and threatens me in my own home?” The ‘violent thug’ comment struck a nerve, one that was still very raw even all those years after Evan… I shut down that line of thought before it could go too far, suppressing the painful memories, keeping myself focused on the here and now. I had really screwed this up spectacularly. By raising a fist towards Oliver’s father, I had crossed a line, no matter how much the bastard had provoked me into it. “I…” I started, intending to apologise, perhaps repair a little damage before I left. But Edward wasn’t interested, cutting me off. “Get the fuck out of my house.” He demanded. “If you come here again, if you dare to threaten me again, I will call the cops on you without hesitation.” There wasn’t anything I could say that would make any of this better, and I could easily say something that might make things even worse. So, I kept my muzzle shut and stalked towards the door, pissed off not only at Edward, but myself as well. “And you can tell Oliver how disappointed I am in him for this.” The older badger said, following me. He stopped, thoughtful for a moment. “No, scratch that. I’ll give him a call and tell him myself.” I winced. Fucking perfect. My badger was very soon going to hear all about what a colossal mess of things I had made. I mean, yeah, I knew he was going to find out, but I had hoped it would be from me, face to face, so that I could tell him how sorry I was in person and we could talk and work things out. Instead, Oliver was going to get a call from his father blaming him for my behaviour. I vaguely wondered if this day could get any worse. Oh, it could, very much so. But I didn’t know that then. I left the house silently fuming, hearing the door slam behind me as I stalked down the path and headed back to my car. I had no idea what to do. Edward was probably already making the call. I grimaced as I imagined that painful conversation, Oliver having to endure talking to his homophobic father yet again and having to hear all about what I’d done. I got back to my car and once I was inside, I just sat there for a few minutes, staring into space. Then I slammed my head against the steering wheel, crying out, “Fuck!” Then I did it again. And again. Maybe I was thinking I’d knock some sense into myself. All it really did was make my head hurt. I sagged back in my seat. God fucking damn me and my fucking stupidity! I had been so certain this had been possible, that I could pull this off and make Oliver happy. What a complete fucking idiot I was! Oliver was going to be upset with me, I knew that for certain. That thought was unpleasant and painful. Of course, I deserved to be in pain after what I’d just done, so I embraced the thought, forced myself to think about the hurt I’d likely just caused my badger with my dumb, boneheaded plan that had failed miserably. The thought caused a cold stab of pain in my chest, but I endured it. It also spurred me into action. I had to see Oliver, do whatever I had to do in order to fix this. I was soon starting my car and setting off to my badger’s apartment. Part way there, my stomach started growling. I remembered I had skipped breakfast due to my nervousness over confronting Edward. Now, I was feeling hungry and more than a little shaky. Whether the shakiness was from hunger or from the guilt of what I’d done, I honestly couldn’t tell. I decided to grab a quick bite to eat. It wouldn’t do to have my stomach rumbling all through my apology to Oliver. Besides, it might also steady me a little, calm me down some. I wanted to be calm when I explained myself. I stopped at the first fast food place I could find and got myself several burgers. Big greasy things with cheese and bacon. Not exactly, healthy, I know, but I wasn’t looking for healthy right then. I wanted comfort food. I sat in my car in the parking lot, tearing through them. I was starting to feel a little better, more ready to see Oliver. My phone beeped. I snatched it out of my pocket and found a text message from Oliver: Come to my place now. We really need to talk. Sighing heavily, I typed out a response. I guess he’d heard from his father. I sent my reply: On my way, be there soon. I still had half a burger but was suddenly not very hungry anymore. At least my stomach had stopped growling and I was feeling a little steadier. Stuffing it back in its wrapper, I tossed it aside onto the passenger seat. Before I set off, I made a quick call to Chuck, letting him know that I would be late back from my lunch break and managed to successfully avoid the question of why. ‘I have to go apologise to my boyfriend for being utterly stupid and confronting and threatening his father’ seemed like something he would rightly want to chastise me over, and the rest of this day was likely going to be tough enough without a lecture from the cougar, no matter how justified he’d be in giving me one. That done, I took a deep breath and started my car, making the rest of the trip to Oliver’s apartment building. And I was blissfully unaware just how bad things were about to get… To Be Continued… |
Raging Tiger/Kuman the Barbarian/Mitchell and Michael/Going Under/Beware the Transformer/That Day/Working Bears/Heart of a Hero