That Day, Part 15: Heartfelt

If I’m perfectly honest, I’m not entirely sure why I revisited the news articles about Harvey

Perhaps it was down to what Justin had said in our phone conversation. I did have trouble getting it out of my mind all through work on Friday. What he’d said, particularly about how suspicious Marcus seemed, had apparently planted seeds of doubt in my mind about the whole situation with Harvey.

Had I made a huge mistake? Had my emotions prevented me from looking at things rationally? Should I have done things differently?

Uncertainty and doubt swirled around in me all through Friday. So much so that it distracted me and prevented me from getting as much work done as I should have. As I left, I noticed Frank giving me a dark look. I’m sure he would have yelled at me for not getting as much done as I was supposed to, and I was certain the only thing preventing him was how bad it would look for him to yell at the stabbing victim on his first week back.

But at least I had survived my first week back at work, even though it had been a difficult exercise in supressing my emotions and enduring soul-crushing monotony.

Unfortunately, I was then faced with a weekend of boredom and loneliness, with nothing but my thoughts for company. Which is why, on Saturday afternoon, with nothing to do but sit at home alone and miserable, I gave into temptation and grabbed my laptop.

I told myself it was just to reassure myself that I had been right to break up with Harvey, that it really had been for the best. It’s hard to say exactly much I managed to convince myself.

A little trawling through my browser history brought me back to the articles I had looked at more than a week before. It also brought back all the horrible memories of that day, when my relationship with a bear I loved had crashed and burned.

It took a few minutes to fight back those memories and the bad feelings that accompanied them. I wanted to reread the news articles with a completely unemotional and rational view. Or at least, as much as I could manage.

When I was ready, I clicked on the first link, opening up the news story about Harvey and Evan falling down some stairs. Whereas before, I had skimmed through the thing, I now took the time to read it carefully.

It really did make Harvey look bad, that was certain. But it was more down to how the writer chose to present the facts, rather than a result of the facts themselves. When you looked past the heavy-handed reporting, the fact was that no one had seen Harvey do anything to Evan. There had been reports of the sound of an argument and shortly afterwards, Evan had been found at the bottom of the stairs and a few moments later, Harvey was seen standing at the top looking down at him.

And that was really all that could be said for certain. Everything else in the article seemed to be assumptions and suppositions. There was not even any mention of him being charged with anything.

I found myself frowning at that. I was sure I remembered him being charged, but them Evan dropping the charges. I reread the article from a few days later, but it simply said that Harvey would not be facing any charges. It would seem that at no point was he ever actually charged with anything. Being upset and only skim reading them before, my mind must have made connections that weren’t there, read too much into things.

A flash of guilt struck me. In this instance at least, I had leapt to conclusions and judged the bear too harshly. And I felt absolutely fucking awful about it.

For a few moments, I was reluctant to continue. What if I found out I had mis-judged Harvey in the other articles as well? Was I just going to be making myself feel bad again when I should be focusing on moving forward?

The thought occurred to me that I could just close the laptop, forget about this whole thing and go do something else with my time. But I quickly rejected that idea, knowing full well that it would just be preying on my mind until I knew one way or the other.

So, I told myself this was about learning from my mistakes. If I had made terrible mistakes in the way I handled things with Harvey, then I needed to know so that I could learn from them and avoid repeating them next time I was in a relationship…

As if I’m ever going to be a relationship again, as if I’m ever going to find someone willing to be with the likes of me…

I shook off those depressing thoughts, even though some part of me was certain they were correct, and focused myself on what I was doing.

The next article was the one about Harvey being found ‘hanging out with drug dealers’ as Marcus had described the incident.

But rereading it then, I realized that the raccoon’s words must have coloured my perception of the article the first time. Once again, reading carefully and looking past the biased writing, there was no indication that Harvey had done anything wrong.

When it came right down to it, there was no mention of there being any ‘drug dealers’ at all. Just that there had been a raid on a gay bar, which had resulted in some drugs related arrests. There was no mention of what exactly those arrests were, although if they had been serious, then surely more details would have been included, to make the story more juicy?

As for Harvey, the article simply said that he had been found in that bar. It said nothing about him being connected to those arrested. All in all, it looked like a case of him being in the wrong place at the wrong time and it being blown out of proportion.

Although, that said, it was a little strange that he had received an official reprimand despite apparently not having actually done anything wrong. There had to be more to that whole incident than the article reported. Unfortunately, I was unlikely to ever find out the whole story.

I pushed that unsatisfying thought aside and moved on to the last of the articles, the one about Harvey assaulting a fellow police officer.

It was a difficult one to reread, as it most definitely painted the bear in a very bad light, no matter how much I tried to read between the lines. Harvey had attacked a fellow officer, some wolf by the name of Eddie Dixon. There were eyewitnesses who claimed the attack had been unprovoked.

And yet, it seemed so completely at odds with the bear I knew, or at least, had thought I had known. As I reread the article again and again, it just didn’t sit right with me, some part of me was certain there had to be more to it, more than the reporter knew.

Perhaps the eyewitnesses were friends of this Dixon guy, and so backed up his side of things. Maybe they were mistaken in what they saw. Maybe they were just standing up for a fellow officer, they one they saw getting attacked, and didn’t actually see what happened prior to the incident. Maybe…

Maybe Harvey really was the guy I thought he was…

I slammed my laptop closed, frustrated and annoyed with myself. I was driving myself crazy with ridiculous speculation. There was really no point to any of it.

The simple fact was that Harvey was out of my life now. I wasn’t going to be seeing him ever again. Whether or not he had really been the guy I had thought he was had become a moot point. There was no way I was ever going to know the full truth behind him attacking a fellow officer. I had to accept that. I had to get over Harvey, accept that my relationship with him was well and truly over and move on with my life.

But as loneliness gripped me and I curled up on my couch, my head swirling with thoughts of the bear that I had lost, I knew that was a lot easier said than done…

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Some things were most definitely a lot easier said than done.

Like, for example, facing a friend you had driven away and admitting you were wrong and trying to make things up to him somehow.

It was Saturday afternoon by the time Marcus got back to me after my voicemail. And by ‘get back to me’ I mean, he turned up on my doorstep.

After leaving my voicemail and not hearing anything back from him, I was certain that he was ignoring me, that my attempt to reach out was too little too late and that our friendship was over. That thought added to my lonely depression, dragging my thoughts and feelings even deeper into the pit of despair within me. As such, it was a shock when he turned up unannounced.

It caught me off guard when there was a knock on my door. I wasn’t expecting anyone. For one brief, happy split-second, I imagined it might be Oliver turning up to forgive me and take me back. But I quickly shook off that idea as just a silly fantasy.

Instead, I opened my door to find my raccoon friend standing there. I only had a moment to look at him in shock before he rushed forward and wrapped his arms around me giving me big hug. Well, as big as he could manage given that I was somewhat bigger and bulkier than him.

“I’m so sorry, Harvey.” He mumbled, pressed against me. “I’m so sorry to hear you got hurt again.”

A moment later I hugged him back, kicking the door closed behind him. I felt the beginnings of tears in my eyes, at the comfort of having someone hug me or the reminder of the hurt of the breakup, I wasn’t sure.

Eventually, he broke out of the hug and took me by the paw and led me into the living room. It was still a mess, what with me having continued to avoid the room as much as I could. Marcus surveyed the disarray and wreckage while I wandered over to the couch and flopped myself down, unsure what to say or how to begin apologising to him.

The raccoon sighed deeply. “Oh, Harvey, this is worse than I was expecting…” He scanned the room, his eyes coming to rest on an undamaged shelf and the item sitting there. “Hey, what the hell is a cheap piece of crap like that doing here?”

I turned just in time to see him reaching out a paw to the toy guitar Oliver had given me. And I immediately reacted without thinking. “Don’t fucking touch that!” I growled, a burst of anger driving out the words.

Marcus recoiled slightly, quickly withdrawing his paw, his swishing tail suddenly still. “Okay…” He said, cautiously.

Guilt washed over me. “I’m sorry…” I said, sinking back into the couch and burying my face in my paws. What the hell was I doing, growling like that at what be my only remaining friend? After all, it was just a toy guitar, no matter who had given it to me…

Or how much it meant to me. Or how much I still missed him…

Marcus sat down beside me silently, distracting me from that train of thought. He cuddled up against me, gently stroking my arm.

It felt good to have him there, a comforting presence, a friend who had come back even after I treated him badly and drove him away. A friend who had turned out to be right about everything and had just been trying to stop me from getting hurt.

“What happened?” Marcus said, softly. “Do you want to talk about it?”

I really didn’t. I didn’t want to relive the whole sorry mess again, not after having relived it my head so many times. But I couldn’t hold it in any longer. I needed to talk to someone about it all.

And so, it all came spilling out. I told him about my idiotic ideas for trying to fix things between Oliver and his father, the fight it caused, the breakup where I had ruined everything. By the end, tears were flowing freely from my eyes.

“You were right.” I said, once I was finished. “You were right that it was just going to lead to heart break. I completely fucked the whole thing up so badly…” My voice trailed off into sobs.

My raccoon friend cuddled me affectionately. “It’s okay, Harvey, I’m here now. I’ll help you get through this.”

“Thanks.” I manged to crack, my voice cracking slightly. “Thanks for coming.”

“I’m sorry I couldn’t be here yesterday after I got your voicemail.” Marcus said. “I was out of town. But I got here as soon as I could.”

I felt a great swell of appreciation towards the raccoon. I really didn’t think I deserved such a good friend, one who would stick by me like this, who would come comfort me after I had seemingly done my best to drive him away and ignore his wise advice.

“Give it some time,” Marcus was saying as I continued to cry. “You’ll get over this damn badger and feel better. You know that right?”

I nodded meekly, even though I wasn’t so sure. A part of me disliked the way he called the wonderful Oliver ‘damn badger’, but I was too emotionally drained by the events of the past week to make any objections.

Marcus continued to gently stroke my arm. “And next time, you’ll listen to me when I try to warn you that you’re heading for trouble, won’t you?”

“Yes.” I said. Although right then it was hard to imagine ever getting into another relationship ever again, I knew that sooner or later, I probably would try again with someone, even if they would never measure up to the amazing badger I had lost. And I fully expected to screw it all up again, just like I always did.

“At least that means you can learn from your mistakes.” Marcus nuzzled at my arm. “Just remember what you’ve learned and don’t forget once you’re feeling better.”

“Feeling better?” I muttered, my depression making the very concept seem ridiculous. “Don’t know if I’m ever going to feel better ever again…”

The raccoon looked up at me then, thoughtful. A moment late, he put on a gentle smile. “Then let’s see what we can do to help you feel better, shall we?”

I frowned at him, not sure what he meant. But then his paw slid down and gently squeezed my groin, taking me by surprise.

“Marcus, what…?” I said, wide-eyed.

“Hush, Harvey.” Marcus said, in what could only be described as a sultry tone of voice. “I know what you need. I know how to help you feel better.”

He squeezed my going again, his paw massaging the curving bulge of my crotch. I was about to protest, but he leaned up and kissed me, hard and passionately.

I’d be lying if I said that the attention didn’t stir some feelings in me, some deep yearning need for the physical intimacy of sex. I did start to get a little aroused. No matter the situation, someone expertly fondling your junk will usually do that, especially if it coupled with a kiss and then his other paw stroking down my chest…

I was so shocked at his advances, I wasn’t sure how to react. I was still guilty about growling at him over the toy guitar and so a part of me was hesitant to get upset at him again so soon and risk driving away the comfort of a friend during a difficult time. But at the same time, this was surely wrong, this was going too far…

And then Marcus went further. He nimbly clambered over into my lap, positioning his legs either side of me and wriggling his rear suggestively against my crotch as he wrapped his arms around my neck, kissing at my face and muzzle.

“How about we move into the bedroom?” He whispered in my ear, in what I’m sure he thought was a seductive tone. “Let’s get you feeling better and make you forget all about that fucking stupid badger…”

That was the last straw and something in me snapped. “What the fuck, Marcus?” I snarled out, taking him by surprise. I grabbed his arms and forcefully pushed the raccoon off of me onto the couch beside me. An instant later, I was on my feet, stumbling a few paces away from him.

“I…” I spluttered, unable to find the right words to fully express how confused and angry I was at Marcus right then. “I can’t believe you! I’m here hurting, having just destroyed the best relationship I’ve had in years and all you can think about is jumping into bed?”

“I’m doing what it takes to help you feel better, Harvey!” Marcus said, getting defensive.

“By using me for sex?”

“By letting you use ME for sex!” The raccoon stood up and stepped towards me. “By helping you take your mind of that fucking awful stupid badger who hurt you!”

“Don’t talk about Oliver like that!” I yelled. I might not be his boyfriend anymore, but my first instinct was still to defend the badger.

“Fine, I get it.” Marcus sighed. “You’re not ready to think of him like that, no matter how true it is, I understand.” He reached out and took my paw. “But we can still have some fun to get you feeling better and more ready to start moving on. Come into the bedroom and we can…” He tugged on my paw, intending to lead me, but stopped and trailed off when he realised I wasn’t moving.

In fact, I was glaring angrily at him, still unable to fully believe he was suggesting that he and I sleep together again. I thought we’d been over that before and I’d made myself clear on the subject. Apparently not.

I snatched back my paw from his. “Marcus, we talked about this. Sleeping together before was a mistake, and one I am not going to repeat.”

“For fuck’s sake, Harvey, it was not a mistake!” Marcus shot back, his stubbornness coming to the fore. “It was good! Come on, this will be good for you! Let me help you feel better…”

Then and there, I could tell I wasn’t going to get through to him. And I had no desire to spend anymore time banging my head against that particular brick wall trying to get him to understand.

“No. Not like that. I’m trying to learn from my mistakes.” I turned my back on him, not wanting him to see how upset I was with him. “For now… please… just go.”

There was a moment of silence. I expected him to keep on arguing, to yell and shout about how stupid I was being. Instead, I felt his paw stroking me on the back, a soft gentle pressure.

“Okay, Harvey.” Marcus said, quietly. “I’ll go for now. But I’ll be back. I’m not giving up on you.”

He headed for the door. As he went I heard him add something. “Unlike that damn badger.”

I’m not sure if he meant for me to hear it or not, it was so low, but it was one hell of a cruel parting shot that ripped straight through my heart, reminding me once again about how the wonderful Oliver was gone from my life and wasn’t going to be back.

By the time I heard my front door open and close and Marcus had gone, tears were flowing freely from my eyes yet again, I just couldn’t stop them.

I slumped down on my couch, unable to keep my eyes drifting to the toy guitar on its shelf, and unable to stop myself descending into another depression-fuelled crying fit.

I had no idea how the hell I was ever going to be able to move on from Oliver…


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I had no idea how the hell I was ever going to fully move on from Harvey, but eventually decided to start trying.

It was Sunday and it had mostly been yet another miserable day of loneliness and depression, trying and failing to avoid thinking about Harvey. At one point I fell asleep, a nap in which I dreamed of the bear, of being with him again, of forgiving him and forgetting what had happened. But then I woke up and I had to deal with the disappointment that it was just all a dream. It was never going to be a reality.

However, one upside of that was that it finally drove me to at least try and do something useful with my time. The dream and the resulting feelings it dragged up made me want all the more to move forward with my life, to start putting the pain behind me.

I wasn’t really sure how to do that though. The idea of heading out to a gay bar, see if I could meet someone new, briefly crossed my mind. But a flash of the last time I did that stopped that idea from getting very far. I felt a throb from my still healing stab wound, although I might have just imagined that as I relived the attack in my head, remembering the feeling of that knife plunging into my flesh and…

Shuddering and grimacing, I forced the memory away. No, I would definitely not be visiting any bars anytime soon. Not that I thought something similar would happen, but I knew it would just trigger the unpleasant memories I wanted to keep buried.

But what else was there for me to do? My options seemed pretty limited.

After spending far too long going back and forth in my head on the subject, I finally decided to look at some dating web sites on my laptop. I didn’t expect to find anything, but it seemed like and nice and safe first step in the process of moving on. Take a glimpse at all the other guys and potential boyfriends out there from the safety of my own home.

I still had accounts on a number of sites, and after a little time spent trying to remember my login details, I was eventually looking through the personal ads of all kinds of single gay guys.

There seemed like a lot of nice guys there would be fun to be with. At least, that was the impression their ads gave. I knew from experience that what was in an ad on a website didn’t always reflect reality, but there was nothing I could do to help that.

But there was a major problem with every guy I looked at. I did my best not to think it, I really did, but I just couldn’t stop myself thinking the same thing with every guy I looked at:

He wouldn’t be as good as Harvey.

One guy looked a little skinny, and my mind immediately thought about how he wouldn’t be able to hug me as tightly as Harvey did. I found one guy who had an interest in the theatre, but his eyes looked at little cold and distant, and I was certain he wouldn’t be as warm and compassionate as Harvey. There was a guy who looked pretty fit and was all smiles in his pictures, but the way he talked about himself in his ad made him seem self-absorbed to me, not like Harvey…

In the end, I had to close the laptop and put it aside, annoyed at my lack of ability to let go of my bear ex-boyfriend. I knew in my head that I would eventually reach the point where I could. But it was still endlessly frustrating that I wasn’t there yet, that I had to keep on dealing with the pain and loss and depression that resulted from our breakup.

It was late evening by that point, and I was my thoughts started to drift to work the next day, the thought of having to endure another week of that place dragging down my mood still further.

And then, unbelievably, things got worse.

My phone rang, causing my heart to skip a beat. As I reached for it, I idly wondering how long it would be before every ring of my phone didn’t result in the thought that it might be Harvey calling crossing my mind. I made the mistake of not paying attention to the number as I answered the call.

“Hello?” I said, tiredness in my voice.

“Hello Oliver.” Said the voice of my father.

I couldn’t help but wince. I was not in the mood to have to deal with him and his bullshit. I mean, I never really was, but I was even less in the mood that usual right then. “What do you want, Dad?” I sighed.

“Just calling to catch up with my son.” He said. I could just see the smug look on his face. “I haven’t heard anything from you since being harassed by your bear. Did you manage to get a much-needed leash on that monstrous bastard, or are you just waiting a little longer before setting him on me again?”

Closing my eyes and rubbing my forehead as he talked, I tried to figure out how to respond. I most definitely did not want to tell him that I had broken up with Harvey. I could just imagine the smug, self-satisfied rant that would lead to, him claiming that this was further proof abut how he was right about everything and it was time to see sense and give up on my depraved ‘lifestyle’

But him talking about Harvey like that stung, not just for the horrible way he was talking about him, but also for it being a reminder of the event that led to our breakup fight. A reminder of that whole horrible day.

And something in me snapped in that moment. Maybe it was all the recent emotional frustration and stress, maybe it was me finally getting so sick of Dad’s bullshit that I wasn’t willing to take it anymore. Maybe it was both or something more.

“Oh, shut up, you fucking hypocrite!” I snarled harshly back it him, shocking myself as the words rolled out of me.

“Hypocrite?” Dad sounded shocked.

“Yeah!” I said, letting out my bottled-up anger. “You complain about getting harassed? What the hell do you think you’ve been doing to me all these years? And ‘monstrous bastard’? What do you think the way you treat me makes you? You should try looking at yourself in the mirror sometime and ask yourself what the fuck is wrong with you!”

“How dare you…” Dad sounded flustered and angry.

I interrupted him, unable to stop myself now I had let go and was ranting at him. “And another thing… who’s the one without backbone now, huh? I remember you telling me that if I had something to say, I should say it face to face. Yet, here you are not doing it yourself, you fucking homophobic hypocrite!”

Dad was silent for several seconds. My mind was racing, trying to anticipate what he was going to say and planning what to say in response.

“Very well, Oliver.” He eventually said. He sounded calm, but I knew him well enough to pick up on the barely restrained anger in his voice. “If that’s the way you want it, I’ll be right over to talk to you face to face.” And he hung up before I could respond.

I sat there on my couch staring at my phone for a second before tossing it aside and cursing myself for my stupidity. Having to talk to my father at a time like this was bad enough, but see him and his damn withering glare in person? I didn’t have the strength for that, especially after having expended all my anger in one burst in that rant. The rant in which I had gone and practically invited him over.

“Fuck.” I muttered out loud, shoulders sagging and mood crashing.

At least I had a little time to prepare myself before Dad got there. Not that it would do me much good, I had no idea what I was going to say to him when he arrived. No idea how I was going to handle him without breaking down in front of him and letting him see what an emotional wreck I currently was.

“Fuck.” I repeated as I sat there waiting. It looked like it was going to be one hell of a bad and painful end to my Sunday.

At least things couldn’t possibly get any worse…


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Things couldn’t possibly get any worse…

That was the thought I desperately clung to throughout Sunday, a day of misery and loneliness that I knew was entirely my own fault. I had wrecked things with Oliver, driven off Chuck and now had kicked out Marcus. If I’d had any other people close to me, I was sure I’d have destroyed my relationship with them soon enough.

It was a day spent moping around my apartment, unsure what to do with myself. I tried taking a nap a few times, but I couldn’t get to sleep, I’d just lay on my bed with nothing but my thoughts for company, swirling endlessly through my head, reminding me of the sorry state of my life.

At least when I was up and about, I could try and distract myself. But I wasn’t very successful at that. Nothing on TV interested me enough to take my mind off things, I considered watching a DVD, but found myself unable to decide on anything. I did finally clean up my living room a bit, but that only took a limited amount of time and then I was at a loose end once again.

The fact of the matter was that I had no idea what to do to start moving on from the pain and the heartbreak, how to start pulling myself together again. I felt lost and alone, thoroughly miserable and hopeless.

It came as quite a surprise when there was a knock on my door Sunday evening, since I really wasn’t expecting anyone. There was a temptation to ignore it, a feeling that I didn’t want to have to deal with whatever new problems whoever it was would inevitably bring into my life.

But then the knock came again, sounding more insistent and I hauled myself off my couch with a sigh. Best see who it was and get them to leave as soon as possible so I could get back to wallowing in misery and self-pity in peace.

I yanked open the door to the sight of Marcus standing there, looking a little sheepish, his ears down and his tail wrapped around his legs. He looked up at me with big emotional eyes.

“Hi Harvey.” He said, quietly. “I know you’re probably still pissed at me, but I wanted to come by and say I’m sorry about yesterday.”

I could only stand there in silence as he talked, shocked that he’d actually come back, and taking a small smidgen of comfort from the possibility that I wasn’t as alone as I’d feared.

“I’m so sorry about the way I acted.” Marcus continued. “I swear I just wanted to help you feel better, but I took things way too far and got ahead of myself without properly taking your feelings into consideration.”

He shrugged and let out a deep sigh. “Anyway, I hope you can forgive me at some point. And when you need me, even if its just someone to talk to or just for a comforting hug… well, get in touch and I’ll be here for you.”

He turned to leave, but I couldn’t stand to let him go, I was so desperate for some company to help stave off the crushing loneliness.

“Come in, Marcus.” I said, quietly.

His ears suddenly perked up, tail wagging slightly. “Really?”

“Yeah, I forgive you.” I nodded. “And I could use some company. So get the hell in here already, would you?”

He stepped inside, smiling slightly. As I closed the door, I added. “No sex though. I meant that before. This is just for company and to talk a little.”

A comforting paw patted me on the back. “Whatever you say, Harvey.”

We walked into the living room and sat down on the couch. Marcus cuddled up to me, stroking my arm gently. I wasn’t sure what to say, where to start…

“How are you holding up?” My raccoon friend asked.

“Not very well.” I said, with a shake of my head. “I feel terrible. Depressed and lonely.”

“Well, I’m here to help with the lonely part.” Marcus, said, resting his head on my shoulder. “And I would like to help with the depressed part, if I can.”

“I don’t think there is anything that anyone can do to help.” I murmured. “I just… I still miss him, you know? I guess a part of me is still clinging to some vague hope that I will get back together with him…”

Marcus reached up and turned my head to face him, looking me in the eye with a stern and steely expression. “You need to let go of that hope, Harvey. It’s not going to happen, and it’s just going to cause you more pain the longer you cling to it.”

“I…” Words failed me as I thought about what he was saying. About letting go of Oliver once and for all. It was painful, a cold stab of ice to my heart. But in my head, I knew what Marcus was saying made sense. “I suppose you’re right.”

“I know I am.” Marcus said. “Trust me. I was right about how things wouldn’t work out between you and him, wasn’t I? You need to let go of thoughts of that badger and move on.”

“It’s not that easy.” I croaked. I closed my eyes, head sinking against my chest as a fresh wave of heartache washed over me. I could feel the beginnings of tears in my eyes and I could tell it wouldn’t be much longer before I broke down crying again at the loss of Oliver. At least Marcus would be there to comfort me through it.

“Yeah, it’s going to take time, Harvey.” Marcus agreed. “But you need to do it, no matter how hard it might be. And I’ll be here for every step of the way.”

I could only let out a weak choking sob in response as my mood sank lower and lower, tears starting to flow.

“We both know it's for the best, Harvey.” Marcus said, hugging at me. “He just wasn't right for you. I wish you'd listened to me and seen that sooner, but that can't be helped now.”

I didn't want to listen. But he had been right after all. All this pain, my heart torn apart, it was because I hadn't listened to him. Maybe next time I'd pay more attention to Marcus' advice.

“A guy like that is too pretentious for a down to earth guy like you.” The raccoon was still talking, trying to help me feel better, even though it was a pointless and hopeless task. I wondered if I’d ever feel better again.

But Marcus wasn't giving up. “I mean, framed theatre posters? What kind of guy has those on his walls? He was so wrong for you, Harvey... But hang in there, you'll eventually find someone better for you than some damn pretentious badger...”

I was barely listening, sinking deeper and deeper into depression, my heart and head wracked with pain as more and more tears spilled uncontrollably from my eyes. Marcus may have been right about me and Oliver being wrong for each other, but that did nothing to dull the pain of the loss, the ache as I missed him so fucking much and I...

My thoughts came to a sudden crashing halt. My detective instincts kicked in as I had the niggling feeling that something had been said, something important, and I'd missed it. Frowning, I replayed the conversation in my head. And then with a cold realization, I knew what it was.

Sniffling, I wiped the tears from my eyes as I slowly turned to look at my raccoon friend. “Marcus, how did you know Oliver has framed theatre posters on his walls?”

Marcus stopped what he'd been saying and stared at me. “I... Well... You must have told me...”

“No.” I said, adamant. “I have never told you anything about his apartment’s decor, so...” I realized there was only one explanation. “You've been there. When the fuck were you in Oliver's apartment?”

The raccoon squirmed under my gaze, fidgeting nervously. “It’s not important, Harvey…”

The fact that he didn’t want to tell me was setting all sorts of alarm bells ringing in my head. Something was wrong here and I had to know what it was. “Tell me, Marcus.” I demanded. “Now!”

Marcus took a deep breath. “Harvey, you’re the one we should be talking about…”

“Dammit, Marcus, answer the fucking question!” I snarled, frustrated at his evasiveness. I pulled away from him as the possibilities of what him having visited Oliver’s apartment might mean were swirling through my head. I had to know what the hell he had done.

The raccoon glared at me. “Okay, fine. I may have paid your precious badger a little visit. But…”

My depression was momentarily forgotten, replaced by a surge of hard anger. “When? Why?”

Marcus shrugged. “Harvey, it doesn’t matter, we can…” He tried to reach out for me, to cuddle against me again.

“Of course it fucking matters!” I growled, leaping up and stepping away from him. My head was spinning with what all of this might mean. Why hadn’t Oliver said anything about Marcus visiting him? What had Marcus done to make him so reluctant to tell me what had happened? “Did you…” I didn’t want to ask what I was about to, but I needed to ask it all the same. “Did you have anything to do with our breakup?”

Standing up, Marcus folded his arms across his chest and stared at me, looking annoyed. “No, Harvey. I think you were responsible for that, don’t you? You were the one keeping things from him remember? And I wasn’t the one who broke his coffee table and freaked him out, was I?”

A burst of heartache ripped through me at that reminder. But it was quickly overwhelmed by my growing anger and paranoia over what role Marcus, the raccoon I thought of as a close friend, might have had in the ending of my relationship with Oliver.

“What did you say to Oliver?” I demanded. “Tell me, Marcus, or I fucking swear to God you can get out and never come back!”

Marcus obviously wasn’t happy with that ultimatum, but after a moment, decided to answer me. “We talked about you some, that’s all. Now, Harvey, we…”

“What exactly did you tell him about me?” I yelled, cutting him off.

“Only the truth!” Marcus shot back, frustration getting the better of him. “A few things about you that were a surprise to him. I mean, you seriously thought you thought you could have a relationship with this guy and not tell him anything about yourself? I did you a fucking favour, Harvey! He deserved to know all about who he was involved with, and you sure as hell weren’t going to tell him!”

“I would have eventually!” I said, even though I wasn’t entirely sure that was true.

Marcus knew me well enough to know that too. “Keep telling yourself that, Harvey. Maybe eventually you’ll believe it!”

Pain and regret welled up in me. But once again, anger quickly blocked out all other feelings. “So, you just decided to stick your muzzle into my business?” I snarled.

“Yeah, because believe it or not, I’m your friend and I care about you!” Marcus spat, good and angry himself now. “And I wanted to prevent you from getting more hurt that you were already going to get!”

The pieces were all fitting together in my head as we traded angry remarks. In our big fight, Oliver had known things about my past, seemingly out of nowhere. That must have come from Marcus, or at the very least he must have said something that set Oliver looking into me. Those things had made a bad argument worse, had coloured the badger’s view of me as things escalated.

Marcus might not be responsible for the whole fight, a fair share of the blame was most definitely mine. But the raccoon’s interference had certainly not helped, it had added a large amount of fuel to the fire. And that stung. He, my supposed good friend, had betrayed me, contributed to the end of things with Oliver.

“You helped wreck things between me and Oliver.” I rumbled, fixing the raccoon with an intense furious glare.

But rather than even attempt to look sorry for what he’d done, Marcus simply rolled his eyes, looking exasperated with me. “So what? So, it ended sooner rather than later…”

I was shocked at his attitude, his complete lack of guilt or contrition for what he’d done. “I don’t fucking believe you!” I snapped.

Marcus threw up his paws in frustration. “I mean, you've known this guy, what? A month?” He sneered. “Why is this damn fucking badger so important to you?”

And at the end of my patience, I snarled out the first thing that came into my head, not even thinking about it.

“Because I'm in love with him!”

There was a sudden few moments of silence in the room as what I'd just said hit home for both of us. Marcus had recoiled in shock, stunned into open-mouthed silence at my proclamation.

As for me... I was just as surprised. Not that I was in love with Oliver. But that I had actually managed to finally say it out loud.

Deep down, I think I had known for some time that I loved the badger, but it had always felt too quick, too early to admit. And of course, admitting love was something I had a bit of an aversion to. The last guy I had truly loved had been Evan... and that had led to my whole life falling apart.

I hadn't admitted to being in love with anyone else since then. The rare occasions I had been involved with someone, things had never lasted long enough to get to that stage. I hadn't even said it about Marcus.

But then and now, saying that I loved Oliver... it just felt so right.

“I love Oliver.” I said, more softly, just to see how it sounded. And it sounded perfect and wonderful and absolutely true. I loved the way those words sounded coming out of my mouth. “I love Oliver!”

“You...?” Marcus stammered. “You love...? No, that's not possible... There's no way you can...”

I glared at him, a furious rage quickly building in me. “I am in love with Oliver.” I stabbed a paw in his direction. “And you fucking sabotaged it!”

“I was looking out for you and doing what was best for you!” Marcus shot back, but I could see the fear in his eyes, finally realizing that he had seriously screwed up.

“It's not for you to decide what's best for me!” I growled. “I was happy! And you...! You...!” I was so incredibly angry at the raccoon, paws clenching into fists. I wasn't sure what I was going to do, if I'd be able to control myself now that I knew what he'd done, the part he'd played in my breakup with Oliver...

Oliver. Thinking of the badger helped cool me off somewhat. He wouldn't want me to do anything stupid here. Besides, knowing what I did now, with what I had finally admitted to myself, I had something else to do, and dealing with Marcus was just wasting time instead of doing it...

Forcing a degree of calm into my voice, I fixed Marcus with an intense glare. “Get out.”

“What?” Marcus said, shocked. “Harvey, I...”

“Get out.” I repeated, a threatening edge creeping into my tone. “Get out of my home. Get out of my life. We are fucking done, Marcus!”

“Harvey, don't do anything rash...” The raccoon tried to protest. “Our friendship...”

“Is over!” I snarled, interrupting. “I don't want to see or hear from you again, not after what you have fucking done! Get the fuck out!”

He visibly flinched at my yelling, looking shaken and afraid. He must have realised there was no winning for him here as he stepped towards the door. “Okay, I'll give you some time to cool off and see sense and then we can...”

I was sick of listening to him and cut him off. “If you're not gone in the next minute, I will physically throw you the fuck out the door myself.”

That seemed enough for him, and he scampered towards the front door. A few moments later, it slammed shut behind him, leaving me alone.

I let out a loud cry of frustration, giving voice to my boiling anger at that damn raccoon. I slammed a fist into the nearest wall and immediately regretted it as pain shot through my fist and arm.

It was still really sinking in just what Marcus had done, how he had lied to me, wrecked my happiness. I had trusted him, and he had fucking betrayed me! Why would he...?

I stopped myself. Now was not the time to be thinking about Marcus. I could process what had happened more fully later. Right now, I had an over-powering need to talk to Oliver. Now I had admitted the truth to myself about my feelings for the badger, I had to tell him. I clung desperately to the hope that maybe, just maybe, he might forgive me and take me back...

Snatching up my phone, I was about to call him, but stopped at the last second. No, this was too important to do over the phone. I needed to talk to Oliver in person.

Stopping only to grab my keys, I was quickly rushing out of my apartment, my every thought focused on getting to the badger as quickly as possible. I didn't even wait for the elevator, instead opting to rush down the stairs.

I passed Marcus on the way out of the building. He tried to talk to me, but I just ignored him completely, sprinting to my car.

My heart was pounding with the thought of seeing Oliver again. I might not have been thinking straight. I know I was avoiding thinking about what it might do to me if he rejected me, because that was a big scary thought that might have deterred me from my crazy course of action.

Because I was going to see Oliver and I was going to let nothing whatsoever stop me. I needed to see him, I needed to tell him how I truly felt now that I’d finally figured it out, I needed to ask for his forgiveness. The idea of doing anything else simply didn’t enter into my head.

But the fact was, I had no idea how this was going to turn out…


* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *


I had no idea how this was going to turn out.

I paced back and forth in my apartment, waiting for Dad to arrive, steeling myself for his inevitable long-winded rant and tirade of insults.

For what might have been the fiftieth time since the phone call, I cursed myself for letting my emotions get the better of me and give him the opening to come over and attack me in person. Even though beating myself up about it was accomplishing nothing, I couldn’t seem to stop myself. The fact was, he was now on his way, and I didn’t know what was going to happen.

I was still badly upset and depressed over Harvey, and I was pretty certain I wasn’t going to be able to keep that under control when dealing with Dad.

Which meant either me having an emotional breakdown in front of him and him learning about the breakup, giving him more ammo for his arguments. Or I’d blow up at him more than normal, launch into a tirade of anger at him. While that might be satisfying in the short term, it would worsen things between as a great deal and him knowing that he was getting to me would likely result in having to endure more and more calls and visits and rants.

So, whatever happened, it looked like things were going to get even worse for me. It looked like I was going to be miserable for a good long while yet…

My thoughts were interrupted as there was a loud knocking on my door. Oh well, this was it. Time to face my father.

I opened the door and stopped, stunned to see who was standing there. It was Harvey.

Seeing him again filled me with a flood of mixed emotions. A part of me was ecstatic he was there, I really had missed him so much. Another part of me was fearing how much it was going to hurt having to watch him leave again. Yet another part hated that he was here, dredging up all the pain of our recent break up, pain which I would rather not have to deal with right now...

He was looking... not too good. He looked unkempt, his fur a mess. I noticed how the fur around his eyes was streaked with tears. As I looked him in the eye, I could see a deep well of sadness there that uncannily resembled the look in my own eyes last time I looked in the mirror. His expression was one of pleading desperation.

“Harvey...” I stammered, taking a step back in surprise. “What... what the hell are you doing here?”

“I needed to see you.” He said, seeming to take my move backwards as an invitation and stepping through the door. “I need to talk to you.”

I shook my head. “This is not going to do either of us any good. We don't have anything to say to each other...”

“I have something I need to say to you.” The big bear said, sadly. “I'm sorry, Oliver. I'm so very sorry for everything.”

That caught me by surprise. If I'd allowed myself to imagine seeing Harvey again, that was almost exactly what I would have wanted to hear. And now here it was, actually happening...

“You were absolutely right.” Harvey continued, emotion cracking his voice as he spoke. “I shouldn’t have stuck my muzzle in, I should have respected your privacy. I'm so sorry and I hope you can forgive me someday, even if I probably don't deserve it...”

My heart was pounding. I had in no way expected this. I wasn't sure what to say, let alone feel.

But Harvey wasn't done. “And I'm sorry for that asshole Marcus. I just found out he visited you. I'm not exactly sure what he might have said, but I'm sorry you had to find out things about me from him that way, all because I was too much off a coward to tell you myself.”

“Harvey... I...” I tried to say something, but no words would come out.

“Most of all...” Harvey said, after a deep breath. “I'm sorry it has taken me this long to realize... to be able to say how I truly feel...” He paused, took another deep breath. “I love you, Oliver.”

Those words slammed into me, stunning me into silence. He'd said it... He actually said it! And with the look in his eyes, I could tell he meant every word. My heart soared in a rush of emotion.

He suddenly ducked his head, ears flattening against his head in shame. “I know I screwed up badly. I know I don't really deserve a second chance... But here I am asking for one anyway. Because I love you Oliver and if there's any chance of us working things out then I...”

“Is this ridiculous, sickening display supposed to be touching?”

We both turned to see my father standing in the doorway, glaring and sneering. I noticed Harvey looking momentarily angry, as if he was about to say something, but then he kept his muzzle shut and shame masked his features, looking to me and stepping aside, deferring the situation to me. It seemed the bear had actually learned from his mistakes and was letting me deal with my father my way. He had learned and changed for the better…

And then, in that moment, everything fell into place for me and I knew exactly what to do next.

“I see now.” Dad was saying. “You trick me into coming over here just so you can flaunt your so-called relationship with your thug of a bear in my face. You really think that’s going to prove anything?”

“Dad.” I said. “That’s not what’s happening here…”

“You expect me to believe that, Oliver?” Dad said, with a sneer of disgust. “You really think…?”

“That’s enough, Dad!” I said, not shouting, but loud enough to talk over him and get his attention. I stepped forward and stabbed him in the chest with a paw finger. “I am sick of all this between us. I am going to have my say, and you are going to listen!”

I was somewhat surprised that he didn’t immediately try to object. Maybe I caught him off guard by not getting pissed with him straight way. Maybe it was the unusually firm tone of voice I’d managed to adopt.

Whatever the reason, I proceeded with what I had to say. “I didn’t plan for Harvey to be here right now, he just turned up. You can believe that or not, that’s your choice, but it’s true. But I’m glad he’s here.”

My father finally started to argue back, as I knew he probably would eventually. “You’re glad to have that brute here? The one who harassed me in my own home? Really?”

I took a deep breath. “Yeah, he made a big mistake in visiting you and the way he handled things.” I said, far more calmly and with more confidence than I would have thought possible. “He’s not perfect. But you know what? I love him.”

I glanced back over my shoulder to Harvey. He was staring at me, jaw hanging open in shock at what I’d just said, the wonderful hopeful happiness in his eyes filling me with strength. “I love him.” I reiterated, to make sure he got the message. The wide smile that spread across his muzzle told me that he did.

Returning my attention to Dad, I continued. “And when you really love someone, you’re willing to deal with the flaws, accept their imperfections and, where possible, forgive their mistakes when they’re sorry about them.” I shot Harvey a warm look and a smile. “So, I forgive him.”

Harvey was grinning so broadly he was possibly in danger of injuring his jaw. I spotted the wetness at the corners of his eyes.

“But that doesn’t excuse…” Dad tried to say.

“No, it doesn’t.” I agreed. “It doesn’t magically fix everything. That’s what comes after, figuring out how to fix things. We have a lot to work through and deal with. But we’re going to do it because he loves me. And I love him. And I really wish you could believe and understand that.”

“I understand love just fine, Oliver, and…” Dad began, about to start ranting, I was sure. But I caught the flicker of uncertainty in his eyes.

Pulling strength from the knowledge that Harvey, my bear, my boyfriend, was back and he loved me, I carried on, cutting him off, managing to remain calm and controlled.

“And I love you too, Dad, in spite of everything.” I said, placing a paw on his shoulder. “And I’m never giving up hope that someday you might come around and learn to accept who I am. And when that happens, I will be more than willing to forgive you and work on fixing things.”

I withdrew my paw and stepped back. “But until that day comes, Dad, please stay way. Don’t call, don’t visit. Because I am done being the target of your homophobic harassment. I’ve taken it for far too long already and won’t take it any longer.”

“All I’ve been doing…” Dad began, but I raised a paw to silence him.

“Save your voice, Dad.” I said. “The fact is that I’ve had enough of suffering because of your inability to accept who I am. So, until that changes, stay away from me. I…” I took a deep breath, not sure I was able to get out the next part. But I had to say it. “I will take out a restraining order against you, if I have to…”

“What?” Dad spluttered.

“I know its an extreme step.” I admitted. “And I’d rather not have to do that. But if you keep doing what you’re doing, I will. The days of me putting up with your crap are over.”

“I suppose he put you up to this!” Dad nodded at Harvey.

“No, this is all me, Dad.” I stated, firmly. “I meant what I said. I love you, Dad. But until you’re ready to at least start trying to accept me for who I am, don’t bother coming back. Goodbye, Dad.”

And with that, I closed the door on my stunned father. My heart was pounding like a jackhammer in my chest. I could hardly believe what I had just done, that I had stood up to my father like that! It was like a great weight had been lifted from my conscience.

And of course, I knew I wouldn’t have been able to do it without the love of a certain bear giving me strength. I turned to face Harvey. The bear was standing and staring at me, his ears twitching nervously.

“Oliver…” He stammered, anxiousness dripping from his voice. “I… Did you really mean…?”

“I forgive you.” I said, stepping towards him, drinking in his scent. God, I didn’t realise how much I’d missed the mere smell of him. “And I love you, Harvey.”

His eyes widened in surprise, his features melting into an expression of pure joy, a smile sweeping across his muzzle as tears started to leak from his eyes.

Placing my paws on his arms, I looked up into his gorgeous, handsome face and those beautiful hazel-coloured eyes that I had missed so much. I allowed myself a moment to revel in the fact that he was there with me again. That we still had a chance.

“So…” I said, smiling at him. “What do you say? Want to give things between us another try?”

Seeing him smile back, warmth and love in his eyes, it set off an explosion of warmth in my chest, washing away the heartache and depression.

He raised a paw and cupped the side of my face. “Oliver, there is nothing I want more.”

And then we hugged, wrapping arms around each other and squeezing tight. My heart skipped a beat as I was overwhelmed by the feeling of being with him again. The feeling of being wrapped in his arms, of his fur against mine, of his scent filling my nose. I couldn’t help but start crying tears of happiness to match his. I never wanted to let him go again.

Yes, there was still a lot we had to talk about and work on, and I knew we would. But that was for later. Right then in that moment, we both just wanted to enjoy being together again at last.

And as we pulled out of the hug just enough to kiss, locking our muzzles together passionately, I felt like a piece that had been missing from my very soul was finally back in place. For the first time since our breakup, I felt whole again. I was overcome with warmth and joy and happiness. All suddenly seemed right with the world.

Because Harvey was back in my life and we loved each other. And we’d be able to handle anything as long as we did it together…


To Be Continued…