That Day, Part 8: Difficulties

It was a strange yet welcome feeling for me to wake up feeling happy.

I couldn't remember the last time it had happened, but that's what happened the morning after my first date with Harvey. From the moment I woke up, I just felt so blissfully happy, in a way I hadn't felt in years. Had it really been so long since I'd managed to feel this good?

Of course, I knew it had been. But then and there, it was hard to believe. And I didn't want to focus on the past too much. I wanted to focus on the present, where I was joyful and optimistic, where my life suddenly seemed brighter and much more hopeful. And all because of one thing.

Harvey was now my boyfriend.

The bear occupied my thoughts almost entirely from the moment I got out of bed that morning. So much so that the thought of the handsome Harvey almost distracted me too much from all I had to do before he arrived.

I spent too long in the shower as I started daydreaming about him. Remembering the wonderful moment where he had admitted he was interested in me almost made me forget to brush my teeth. Reliving that first kiss we shared distracted me as I was vacuuming my apartment, and I ended up having to do it again as I was sure I had missed several spots.

My whole morning was spent getting myself and my home ready for Harvey's visit later. Yeah, he'd been there before and I hadn't made such a fuss. But everything was different now. I wanted things to be perfect as I could make them for my boyfriend.

It was a giddy feeling, knowing that I once again had a boyfriend, that after all this time, I was now in a relationship. The paranoid worries about exactly how I was going to inevitably screw it up and drive Harvey away were already starting to build up in the back of my mind, but I was doing my best to ignore them.

It was just after one o'clock when there was a knock on my door and I opened it to find a smiling Harvey there. He was dressed pretty casually, just some simple jeans and a nicely figure-hugging t-shirt that showed off his muscled torso quite well.

“Hey boyfriend.” He said as he stepped inside.

“Hey yourself, Hero.” I said, closing the door.

As I turned from the door, I was suddenly swept up in Harvey's arms, the bear hugging me tight. I immediately hugged him back, embracing him affectionately. It was crazy the way a simple hug helped to temporarily suppress all of my paranoid worries.

After the hug, there was a kiss, the two of us locking muzzles for several minutes, paws running up and down each others backs.

When we broke apart, we were both smiling and gazed into each others' eyes.

“As tempting as it is to spend the whole afternoon hugging and kissing...” I said.

“Very tempting!” Harvey added, a playful glint in his eyes.

I chuckled at that. “However tempting it is, we should probably do a little more with our time. You hungry?”

“Yeah.” The bear nodded.

I led him into my kitchen and told him to take a seat at the table while I busied myself making some lunch for the two of us.

“I don't have a whole lot in...” I admitted, nervously. “This isn't exactly going to be the best lunch you've ever had...”

“I'm sure it'll be fine, Oliver.” Harvey said. “Besides, the company is more important than the food, and the company is wonderful.”

Damn, he could really manage to say just what I needed to hear to feel better. With a nice warmth in my chest at his words and I focused on putting together some food.

In the end I made us a relatively simple chicken salad. Harvey seemed to really like it. Or he could have just been putting on an act to avoid offending me. I couldn't be sure. I ultimately decided to just relax and trust that his reaction was honest.

After lunch was finished, I quickly did the dishes. Harvey offered to help, but I told him no. He was a guest in my home, so he wasn't going to be doing any chores.

Once I was done, drying my paws with a towel, I turned to Harvey and said. “So, are you up for a bit of a walk?”

I saw the brief look of disappointment that crossed his features, but he quickly hid it. “Sure. It's always good to get some fresh air and exercise.”

“And I don't want to spend the whole day stuck in my apartment.” I added.

“That's a good reason as well.” Harvey said, with a wry smile.

I stepped over and rubbed his shoulder. I had taken a wild guess at the reason for his disappointment. “And don't worry, we can kiss and cuddle more when we get back.”

The bear giggled at that. He took my paw off his shoulder and gently kissed it. “Then let's get going! The sooner we go, the sooner we can get back!”

We were soon leaving my apartment building side by side, making dopey affection side glances at each other as we went.

There was a small park and some woods a short distance from my home which was a good place to take a walk. It was a pretty warm and sunny Sunday afternoon, and while there were a few others in the park, couples wandering about holding paws, cubs playing ball games, it wasn't a busy area.

Seeing the couples with their clasped paws made me feel more than a little guilty. I would have liked to do that with Harvey, and I was absolutely certain he'd like to do that with me. But I knew that kind of thing was beyond me. My fears stopped me, my imagination throwing up images in my head of being seen, singled out as gay, made the focus of hate and scorn and possibly even further violence...

I had a brief flash of memory of the attack, the feeling of that knife plunging into me...

I shook off the thought, pushing away the memory. I didn't need or want to be reliving that right then. That was what my nightmares were for.

The point was, no matter how much I wanted it, even the most simple act of affection, holding the paw of my boyfriend, was denied to me in public because of my fear and anxiety. It was a horrible guilt-inducing thought.

Harvey seemed to pick up on my tension as we strolled through the park. “Something wrong?”

I didn't want to ruin our time together by moaning about my problems. “I'm fine.” I said, simply.

He was unconvinced. “You might want to tell that to the expression on your face. Seriously, you suddenly seem very tense.”

“I said I'm fine.” I said, more firmly this time.

The bear beside me sighed. “Okay.” He said. “I can tell you're not fine. But I won't push it if you don't want to talk about whatever it is.” He turned his head and looked me in the eye. “I'll just say that being together, we should be able to talk to each other about anything that's bothering us. I hope you'll be comfortable enough to do that with me eventually.”

There was a tense silence between us for a while after that, like a black cloud hanging over us as we walked. I was cursing myself every step of the way.

Damn my fears! Damn my paranoia! And damn my fucking stupidity! I had meant not to ruin my time with Harvey, and had ended up doing just that.

As our path headed into the park's small wooded area, I realized that I was the only one who could put things right. I took a deep breath, summoned up all my courage, and tried to do just that.

“I'm sorry.” I said, briefly glancing about to make sure no one was close enough to overhear us. “It's not that I don't trust you or aren't comfortable with you, Harvey. It's just that... Well, my first instinct is always to just say I'm fine. Because I can find it difficult to talk about some things. Especially in public like this...”

He raised an eyebrow at me. “Things like what?”

I felt slightly more comfortable being a little more open, now that we were walking along a path heading into the woods, it felt more quiet, more private. But only slightly, there was still a lot of nervous fear running through me.

“I feel...” I said, taking another glance about to make sure no one was nearby. “I just feel kind of guilty. Ashamed.”

“About what?” Harvey wanted to know, concerned.

“Being such a coward.” I muttered. It was a difficult thing to admit, I practically had to force the words out of my muzzle. “Being so afraid in public. Being unable to do something as simple as holding my boyfriend's paw...”

I was having trouble bringing myself to meet his gaze, shame burning in me all the more now that I was talking about it. He reached out for a moment, as if about to hug me around the shoulders, but then quickly pulled his arm back, probably realizing how that would not help matters.

Sighing deeply, I continued. “I want to be out, I'd love not to always hide who I am. But the thought just fills me with so much dread, I can't help but think of everything that could go wrong.” I shook my head sadly. “I'm sorry I'm not as brave as you, Harvey...”

We carried on walking for a few minutes more. Harvey was silent and thoughtful. I wished I could tell how he was going to respond. Of course, my imagination offered up plenty of possibilities. I imagined him getting angry and annoyed at my weakness. Or him calmly deciding that dating some cowardly closeted badger perhaps wasn't such a good idea after all. I wasn't sure which would be worse.

There was a bench on the side of the path just ahead. Harvey motioned towards it. “Come sit with me for a bit.”

Here it is, I thought. He's going to break up with me. I knew this was too good to be true...

Glumly, I sat myself down on the bench beside the bear, mentally bracing myself for the inevitable.

It turned out, I was completely wrong. Harvey looked at me seriously as he spoke, his tone calm and measured. “Oliver, you are not a coward for staying in the closet. It doesn't make you pathetic or weak or whatever other bad thing you might be thinking about yourself. It's perfectly understandable for you to be nervous after your attack...”

His understanding had caught me by surprise, but I was quick to respond. “This isn't about the attack... I mean, yeah, it has made things worse...but the problem was there before that. Even if it had never happened, I'd still not be able to show affection towards my boyfriend in public.”

“And that's fine, Oliver!” Harvey said, trying to reassure me.

“It's really not...” I shot back.  “I should be... I... You deserve better in a boyfriend...”

Harvey shook his head. “Damn Oliver, you have no idea how much I want to hug you right now...”

I was suddenly afraid he might give in to that temptation. “As much as I'd love that, please don't... Someone might...”

“I understand.” He said, interrupting me. “And I'm not just saying that, Oliver. I really do understand. About everything.”

He sat back on the bench before continuing. “Everyone's circumstances are different. No one should have to come out if they're not ready or comfortable. I understand that all too well as I didn't have a choice in coming out. It's kind of a long story...”

That piqued my interest. I still had so few details about Harvey's past, so that little piece of information immediately grabbed my attention. He didn't have a choice in coming out? Did someone out him before he was ready? I really wanted to know that supposedly long story. I would have to ask about it some time.

“The point is.” Harvey said. “I really do understand the situation, and how you must be feeling. But you are not a coward, Oliver. You're not somehow inferior or weaker or whatever to anyone who is out of the closet. It's just that your situation and experiences are different.”

I remained silent, thinking about what he'd said.

“You may not be ready to be out at the moment.” The bear said, filling the silence with his strong persuasive voice. “And frankly, with what's happened to you, that's no surprise whatsoever. But that doesn't mean you never will be ready. So please don't worry about it.”

“It doesn't bother you, having a closeted boyfriend?” I wanted to know.

He looked a little uncomfortable at that question, and paused before answering. “Okay, I'm not going to lie, it does bother me some. But not enough to make me want to stop dating you. Not even close. I mean, yeah, I hope some day you reach the point where you cane come out. But don't let that make you feel bad. I'm a very patient guy.”

I spent several minutes sitting there processing what he'd said. And our conversation was unable to continue for a few moments as a tiger jogger padded past.

While I could see Harvey's point and see how he was right, I still felt somewhat unhappy about the situation. I really didn't like the idea of some aspect of me bothering him, even if it was something I couldn't fix.

Or could I?

That was the real question when I got down to it. Could I find a way to overcome my fears? Build up enough courage to finally be more open about who I really was? Such a thing would not be easy...

I suddenly remembered something Harvey had said during our date. About nothing worthwhile being easy. Another thing the bear was right about.

Right then, the very thought of being more open, of risking discovery, filled me with a cold paralysing dread. I wasn't sure where to even begin dealing with that. Maybe with something simple, some small first step...

I glanced about. We seemed to be alone, there was no sign of anyone nearby who could see us. My heart was pounding. I couldn't believe I was about to do this...

Acting quickly, I leaned in and planted a quick soft kiss on Harvey's cheek before pulling back again.

Harvey shot me a look of bemused surprise. “What? I don't understand...”

I was looking about again, making sure no one had seen that. “I want to do better, I really do.” I explained. “I don't like being this way and I really want to be more comfortable in public. And for you, I think there's maybe a chance I could manage it, even if its difficult and takes a lot of time... And well...”

“A quick kiss is a good first step?” Harvey smiled. He looked kind of touched by my gesture.

“Yeah, something like that.” I smiled back at him. I felt a burst of warm appreciation. One of the many reasons I liked Harvey was the way in which he just seemed to get me so well, understand what I was getting at so easily.

“Well, I appreciate the effort, Oliver.” He said. Then he leaned in and lowered his voice. “I am going to hug the hell out of you when we get back.”

That was motivation enough to resume our walk. But now it was a lot more relaxed, the black cloud having passed. We just chatted and enjoyed the fresh air and sunshine.

We talked about how Harvey was still considering hobbies, seemingly determined to spend more of his time on things other than work and the gym. While he hadn't settled on anything definite, he did mention that he was leaning towards maybe taking up the guitar again, as he liked the idea of doing something creative.

And we talked about me and my boredom, the ways I was combatting not having anything to do during the day. I told him about how I'd have to see a doctor again some time soon, have a check up and maybe get an idea when I might be able to return to work.

After we'd had a good walk around the park, we headed back to my place. I was feeling good as we arrived back at my apartment building. It had been nice to get out for a bit and was a little proud of myself for managing to clear the air between me and my boyfriend. I could hardly wait until were in the privacy of my home again to get my paws on him.

We exchanged silent smiles and looks of adoration in the elevator. It wasn't difficult to deduce that he was looking forward to getting back to my apartment just as much as I was.

I quickly unlocked my door as soon as we reached it, fumbling slightly with my keys in my haste. I got the door opened and stepped inside...

And stepped on something.

Pausing in my tracks, I looked down. There was a piece of paper on the floor just inside the door. I reached down and picked it up, curious and confused.

“What is it?” Asked Harvey, behind me.

I moved out of the way so he could come in and I closed the door behind him. “I have no idea.”

It was a piece of folded paper. I flipped it over to find that 'Oliver' had been written on the outside.

Unfolding it, I found it was a short paw-written note.

Oliver

I tried to pay you a visit, but you're not in.

Been driving myself crazy since visiting you Monday and I need to talk to you privately face to face.

I'm going to be rather busy tomorrow, but I will be free Tuesday lunch time. Could you please meet me for lunch at that small coffee shop down the street from the office?

Please be there. I need to find out if I'm right in what I'm thinking about you.

Felix

My blood ran cold as I read it. I simply stood there, rereading it several times as it sunk in. I had managed to put Felix and his potential discovery that I was gay completely out of my mind. I'd managed to stop worrying about it.

But now all those worries came crashing back in. He very obviously suspected, that was certain, and wanted to talk to me to find out for sure. Could I convincingly deny it? Would he believe it? How long before he blabbed his suspicions to the rest of the office?

“Oliver, what's wrong?” Harvey put a comforting paw on my shoulder.

I didn't answer, and simply passed him the note. He took it and read it quickly as I stood there worrying and burying my face in my paws.

“Felix... he's the one who saw my card in the hospital?” The bear asked. I nodded mutely in reply.

Suddenly, I was swept into a tight affectionate hug, Harvey pulling me close. I nuzzled against his shoulder for a moment, letting the good feeling of his warmth and touch block out my stress, even if it was just for a few seconds.

“It's going to be okay, Oliver...” Harvey said, his voice soft and soothing.

It would have been nice to simply stay pressed against him and accept that. But I just couldn't. I pulled out of the hug and stepped back.

“Really? How?” I said, my voice cracking. “How is me getting dragged out of the closet at work going to be okay?”

Harvey, being the sweet and wonderful bear that he was, remained calm and understanding. “I know it seems bad, Oliver. But you don't know for certain what he knows or suspects. And even if he does know about you, you don't know how he'll react or what he'll do.” He put his paws on my shoulders. “But whatever happens, I'll be here to support and help you in any way that I can.”

I took a deep breath, trying to calm down, even though it didn't seem to help a whole lot. I tried to be positive. “Maybe...” I said. “Maybe if I deny it, say he's got it wrong, he misunderstood, he'll actually believe me...”

It was small and barely noticeable, but I felt the slight tensing in Harvey as I said that. “Is that what you want to do? Deny it?”

I looked up at him. His expression was still mostly warm and caring and understanding, but I could see the hint of disappointment in his eyes, the twinge of disapproval.

It was like a cold dagger to my heart, making me feel small and pathetic. All my talk about wanting to do better, wanting to be more open and eventually feel comfortable showing affection for Harvey in public... Now here was my opportunity to possibly take another step towards that goal, and my first instinct is to deny everything and remain hidden in the closet?

I couldn't stand to keep looking at Harvey like that, his gaze making me feel like a horrible disappointment. Ears flattening in shame, I ducked my head and turned away.

“I really...” I stammered. “I really don't know.”

A second later, Harvey's arms wrapped around me, the bear hugging me from behind. I tried to find some degree of comfort in that hug, but couldn't, instead focusing on how much of a disappointment I must be to him.

“I'm not going to push you into anything you're not ready for, Oliver.” Harvey sighed, still hugging me tightly. “If you really think denial is what's best for you...” He paused, and I hoped I was just imagining the hint of reproach and disapproval in his voice, even though I knew I really wasn't. “Then you should do that. There's no rush to come out of the closet. I won't think any less of you.”

He spun me around so that I was facing him again, and that disapproving look was still in his eyes, although mixed with a caring determination. “I'll still be here to support you no matter what you decide.”

I was about to respond, but he stopped me with a kiss, deep and passionate. I didn't protest.

The rest of the afternoon passed peacefully. Harvey and I cuddled up on the couch watching TV for a few hours until he had to go, needing to get in a trip to the gym before it got too late.

Although on the surface things seemed the fine between us, there was an underlying tension over the thing with Felix, over my wanting to just deny being gay and keep things as they were rather than trying to move forward. It was like that black cloud from our walk had returned, stronger than before, and we were both doing our best to ignore it for the moment and just enjoy our time together.

Even after having it at the back of my mind for hours, turning the situation over and over in my head, I couldn't come to any kind of concrete decision over what I was going to do when I met up with Felix.

A part of me really did want to just admit it. But the very thought of doing that made my heart pound furiously and my blood run cold, my brain seizing up with fear. I wasn't sure I'd be able to go through with it even if I decided to be open with Felix.

I had no idea what the hell I was going to do...

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

I had no idea what the hell we were going to do...

That thought occupied my mind during work Monday morning. I did my best not to let it distract me, but I think it's fair to say it probably did, at least a little.

But the fact was, I hadn't decided what to do about my second date with Oliver. I had insisted on being the one to take him out this time, but I really had no idea yet what we would be doing on Saturday.

Dinner? A movie? Dancing? They might have been perfectly fine ideas, but they just seemed rather bland to me. A little too standard and cliché. This would be my first time taking my badger out somewhere and I wanted something special.

So it was kind of a shame my imagination was failing to come up with any ideas as to what that might be.

I reassured myself that whatever we ended up doing, even if it was a massive failure, at least we'd be doing it together. That thought kept a smile on my face throughout the morning and helped keep the bubbling worries I had about my relationship with Oliver buried for the moment.

I was so distracted, I failed to notice the passage of time. Before I realized it, it was past lunch time and my stomach was growling in complaint. I headed off to the break room just as everyone else was leaving to go back to work. It would be far from the first time I ended up eating lunch alone like this. I was kind of used to it.

So I sat munching away on the sandwich I had bought on the way to work that morning, my mind once again going back to Oliver. And how great it felt to be in a relationship again.

It had been so long since I'd last had an actual boyfriend. I had forgotten how good it could feel to be so close to someone, to be glad of having them in your life, to be in theirs. Knowing that there was someone who saw you as worthy of their time and devotion, who wanted to be with you as much as you wanted to be with them. It was exciting and wonderful and I hadn't realized how much I had missed it.

“So I take it your weekend went well?”

I looked up from my lunch to see Chuck standing in the doorway, a smile on his muzzle and a twinkle in his eyes.

“Why do you say that?” I asked, watching as he strolled over to the coffee pot to pour himself a cup.

The old cougar laughed. “Harvey, if your smile today got any wider, you'd be in danger of injuring yourself! I don't think I've ever seen you this happy. So yeah, I'm assuming that means things with your badger turned out okay.” He raised an eyebrow at me. “Did they?”

“Well, a lot better than simply okay...” I admitted, unable to stop myself grinning. “He and I are dating... Oliver is now my boyfriend.”

Chuck stepped over and gave my a playful punch on the shoulder. “That's fantastic, Harv!”

“Yeah, it is.” I agreed. “When I told him how I felt, it turned out he felt the same way.”

The cougar chuckled as he returned to his coffee. “Told you it wasn't rocket science...”

“Yeah, you were right.” I said. “Telling him was the best thing I could have done.”

“Well, I'm glad it worked out well.” Chuck said, sitting himself at the table across from me. “I'm glad you're happy.”

“I am, but...” I began, but quickly stopped myself. The 'but' had slipped out before I been able to stop myself giving to voice to my niggling worry.

“But what?” Chuck asked.

“It's nothing...” I said, automatically.

“Harvey.” He said in that firm tone of his.

I sighed. “It's just... I really like Oliver, I want this relationship to go well, but I can't help but keep thinking of the things that can go wrong, the problems. What happens when I eventually get around to telling him about all the crap in my past? How will he react? And there is the fact that he's still in the closet and is very reluctant to do anything about it. I'm trying to be patient and understanding and everything, but if I'm honest, the more I think about it, the more it bothers me. And...”

Chuck raised a paw, silencing me. “Harvey, you know what they call romantic relationships without any problems whatsoever?”

“No.” I wasn't sure what he was getting at.

“Fictional.” He said with a shrug. “Harvey, take it from someone who has been around the block a few times... No relationship, no matter how right or happy, is ever going to be without problems. The question you have to ask yourself is: Is he worth it? Is being with him worth dealing with those problems?”

Even then, that was one of the easiest questions I had ever been asked. “Yes, he absolutely is...”

“Then don't go wasting your time worrying about the problems.” Chuck said. “Figure out ways to deal with them, and whatever other crap life might throw at the two of you.”

I nodded thoughtfully. Chuck always had a way of cutting through the crap going on in my head and helping me feel better. It helped that he was also right.

I didn't want to risk getting too hung up on possible obstacles in my relationship with Oliver. I should just focus on enjoying being with him. The problems... well, we'd find a way to deal with them. Right?

Chuck was still talking. “I mean, just take me and Vanessa...” He noticed my blank expression and laughed. “She's the tigress I'm seeing.”

“Oh right.” I nodded.

The old cougar continued. “We're not exactly a match made in heaven or anything. She's quite religious and I'm very much not. It's led to some... well, let's just call them heated discussions... between us. But I like her, she's fun and gorgeous and caring. Yeah, she might ultimately not be worth dealing with the religious crap, but until I know for sure, I'm not going to let it stop the two of us enjoying being together...”

As I continued eating, I asked some more about this Vanessa, learning about how she was a divorced lawyer who enjoyed tennis and dancing. And according to Chuck, her breasts were magnificent. Although that was more the cougar joking about, trying playfully to get a rise out of me, as he sometimes did. And as always, I didn't take the bait, instead making a joking comment about I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from someone as vulgar as him.

But despite the friendly joking, I was grateful for Chuck's advice. I knew he was right. I shouldn't let my worries stop me from just enjoying being with Oliver...

Except my worries ran a lot deeper than I had let on to Chuck. Hell, at that point I was barely able to admit them to myself.

The thing was, I wanted things to work out with Oliver and was determined to really try, but I was afraid that I might not be able to succeed. I suppose my deep fear was that what happened with Evan all those years ago had damaged my ability to truly open up and let someone in enough for a relationship to work in the long term. I mean, I still hadn't told the badger much about my past, despite plenty of opportunities. I had just avoided it, sometimes without realizing it until later.

It occupied my thoughts as I finished my lunch and headed back to work. How on Earth was this supposed to work if I had trouble telling the guy I was interested  even the most basic stuff about myself? It didn't help that some of that stuff was... well, less than pleasant. I suppose some part of me was convinced that some of the skeletons lurking in my closet were bound to drive the badger away and wanted to avoid that for as long as possible.

It was stupid and irrational, I know, but that's the way my sub-conscious seemed to work some of the time.

But still, I really wasn't looking forward to Oliver learning some of the stuff about me. Perhaps I should wait a little longer before revealing anything? He did have this thing with his co-worker Felix on his mind right now, and that in itself was a whole other can of worms, despite my best efforts, it still bugged me a great deal the way Oliver seemed determined to not use what was a perfect opportunity to start coming out of the closet more.

Maybe it would be best to just be there for him while he deals with the Felix situation and I managed to get my feelings about the whole mess under control, not dump a whole lot of details about me on him. Wait until...

My thoughts came to a shuddering halt, as I mentally kicked myself. Damn it, there I go again! Making excuses not to open up to my boyfriend! I really was kind of pathetic, wasn't I?

Thinking like that would get me no where, I knew. I did my best to push that thought away. I would tell Oliver everything eventually. I knew I would, even if I had to find some way to force myself to do it. Our relationship was still in its early days, there was plenty of time. For the moment, I should just enjoy having a boyfriend again.

That managed to keep my spirits up throughout the rest of the work day. By the time I was ready to head home, I was feeling pretty good.

But then I checked my phone, and my good mood quickly collapsed. There was a text message waiting for me. From Marcus.

My heart immediately sank. I was tempted to just ignore it for the moment. But then I'd be constantly worrying about what it might say. So I opened it.

You may have abandoned our friendship, but I haven't. Here for you when things with your badger go wrong.

I sighed. It seemed Marcus had settled on remaining in his passive aggressive bitchiness mode. I would need to talk to him soon, try again to set things straight. As Oliver had said, all I could do was keep trying to get through to him.

The problem was, I had no idea what I was going to say to him...

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

I had no idea what I was going to say to him.

That was my main thought, as I waited for Felix at the coffee shop he wanted to meet at, my paw tapping the table top nervously the whole time.

It felt a little odd being there. I had sometimes grabbed a coffee or a sandwich here on my lunch break. Visiting the place without having to worry about getting back to the office, not being one of the multitude of tie-wearing workers from the various office buildings in the area who frequented the place, that felt a little strange. I felt sort of out of place.

I had bought myself a coffee and a sandwich, but hadn't touched them. My appetite was non-existent as my stomach was doing anxious somersaults. I was a little afraid of eating or drinking in case my nervousness made me throw up.

A bizarre feeling of deja vu struck me as I realized this was now the second time in a week I was sat anxiously waiting the arrival of a fox for what was going to be a deeply uncomfortable conversation.

Of course, this was very different from my meeting with Justin. Whatever might have happened there, it would not have resulted in my life being torn apart as I was exposed as being gay.

Yeah, I had to admit, that might not happen here, but it was a possibility, and that was more than enough to keep me worrying endlessly about it, my imagination conjuring up scenario after scenario about how badly things could go.

What would I do if my worst fears were realized and Felix was here to confirm I was gay? I really had no idea.

Sure, I could deny it, there was always that option. But despite Harvey saying he'd support me whatever I decided, I kept remembering that look in his eyes when I had brought up the denial option.

That look of sad disappointment... that haunted me. While I might not yet have known Harvey as much as I would have liked at that point, I think I knew him well enough to know that choosing denial would leave him very disappointed in me, not matter what he said. And I whole-heartedly did not want to disappoint the bear, to risk our relationship so soon after we had got together.

But the other option, admitting to Felix that yes I am gay, that was just as difficult and terrifying, making my heart pound furiously, filling me with dread and panic. Whether it was rational or irrational, it was very real, a constant fear pulling at me. One I wasn't sure I could ever really overcome despite my best intentions.

When Felix finally showed up, my panic only increased, knowing I was soon going to have to choose one way or the other.

He bought himself a coffee and sat himself at my table. The middle-aged fox was looking troubled, but was trying to hide it, forcing a smile onto his muzzle.

“Hey, Oliver.” He said, unable to stop his ears flicking nervously. “How are you doing?”

“As well as can be expected.” I said, evenly, trying to hide the storm of fearful emotion raging in me. “Resting and healing and going a little crazy with boredom... How's things at the office?”

“Hectic without you there.” Felix said. “Frank's temper has been getting worse day by day. He seems to think that shouting and being rude will get the work done faster.”

“So he's being his usual self then?”

That managed to draw a brief chuckle from both of us. Which was swiftly followed by a supremely awkward silence. After a few moments, the tension was getting to me so I decided to get the ball rolling so we could get this over with.

“So...” I began. “I... err... was surprised to get your note.”

“Yeah...” He said, avoiding looking me in the eye. “I was a bit surprised that you didn't call me about it...”

“I couldn't have.” I said. “I don't have your number.” I had actually considered calling him at the office, but had been too afraid of how suspicious it might seem, or of what might happen if someone overheard our conversation.

Felix frowned. “Really? I thought everyone from the office had my number.”

I shook my head. “Not me. I guess there has never been any reason for you to give it to me.” A result of keeping to myself so much of the time, no doubt.

The fox was suddenly fishing out his phone. “Well, I can quickly rectify that. 

He read out his number and I quickly put it into my phone. I couldn't imagine me using it very often, if at all, but I didn't want to be rude.

When I was done, I looked up to find him looking at me strangely, wearing a kind of worried frown on his features. “Look, Oliver.” He said. “Like I said in my note, I've been driving myself crazy since that hospital visit. Since I read that card...”

Well, that pretty much wiped out any last hope that the problem he wanted to talked to me about was something other than him suspecting the truth about me. But I suppose it had been a small and unlikely hope.

“I've been going over it again and again in my head.” Felix said. “And there's only one explanation that makes sense, but I'm not sure it can be true...” He took a deep breath. “So, I really need to ask... Oliver, are you gay?”

So here it was, the moment of truth. How was I going to answer?

I could easily tell him no. That was my first instinct, my first automatic reaction, and I very nearly let the denial slip out before I realized it. But I managed to stop myself.

Because yes, it would be easy, but that didn't necessarily make it the right choice. I suddenly remembered something Harvey had said during our date...

It won't be easy, nothing worthwhile ever is...

I clung to those very true words. Being with Harvey, being someone worthy of being with him, that was something worthwhile, something I wanted. But was I really capable of being that?

Harvey seemed to think so. He believed in me, supported me, kept telling me he thought I was strong. Maybe it was time to trust that he might possibly be right...

You can do this. I told myself, repeating it again and again in my head. Harvey thinks you can do this, so you can do this...

And so, it was the thought of Harvey and his belief in me that allowed me to finally answer, despite the words almost catching in my throat as if they didn't want to come out. “Yes, Felix. I am gay.”

The fox's eyes widened in surprise and sat back in his chair. “Seriously?”

“Yes.” I nodded.

Felix sat starting at me for several long seconds. Apparently, me admitting it hadn't been what he'd been expecting. In a way, that made two of us. I was kind of shocked I'd actually managed to say it.

It did feel good in a way, I suppose. To tell the truth, to not hide who I was. There was a kind of weight lifted from my shoulders. But it was accompanied by fear and worry about what might happen next. How exactly Felix might react. Who he might tell. Where this all might lead.

“Are you sure?” The fox asked, still stunned and confused.

I was taken by surprise at that question. “Yes...” I said, dryly. “I am certain.”

“But...” Felix was frowning like crazy, ears flicking back and forth, obviously hugely confused. “It's not possible. I was sure I had to be wrong... I mean you don't act gay at all!

“Act gay?” I was just as confused as he was. “What are you talking about?”

“You know...” He said, struggling to explain, waving a paw vaguely in the air. “You don't... You don't talk or act effeminate. You're not flamboyant. You don't seem like the partying type. I've never heard you talk about fashion or anything...”

I stared at him, open-mouthed with shock and then buried my face in my paws. Had he really just trotted out that many gay stereotypes at once?

But Felix was frowning at my reaction. “What?”

I looked up at him. I hardly knew where to begin to respond. Anger was a tempting reaction, to be sure, to blow up at him for spewing out such ridiculousness. But that temptation passed quickly, as it wasn't really me.

Taking a moment to think about it, I realized that there was no actual malice in what he'd said. He wasn't trying to be so offensive. He just didn't know any better. I wouldn't be surprised if I was the first actual gay guy he had ever met.

So perhaps the best response was to be calm and collected, educate him some. I sighed. “Felix... Those are just stereotypes. That's not the way things really are... Well, okay, if you looked, you could find some gay guys like that. But that's not the way most of us are. I'm not like that.”

He nodded thoughtfully. “I... I don't know what to say...” He looked up at me suddenly. “So, does this mean you knew the guys who attacked you? Was it some kind of lovers quarrel? Some kind of... sex thing?”

Okay, that seriously shocked the hell out of me. “Why the hell would you think that?” I spluttered.

“Back at the office.” Felix explained. “Frank's been saying that you said the guys who attacked you were gay. He's been going on and on about it...”

“For fuck's sake...” I said, shaking my head. I should have realized that damn Frank wouldn't have kept his muzzle shut about the conclusion he'd jumped to. “I most definitely did NOT say that. He just... decided that had to be the case and you know how he is once he thinks he's right...”

He nodded his understanding.

“In fact.” I continued. “If you really must know, those guys attacked me and tried to kill me because I'm gay.”

Felix went wide-eyed with surprise. “Shit, seriously?”

Staying silent, I just nodded. I had to take a moment to compose myself. All this talking about the attack had brought up the memories again and it took me a few seconds to once again suppress them.

“Fucking hell...” Said Felix, thoughtfully. “I really don't know what to think about any of this...”

Another thought came to me, one that made me extremely fearful. I'd opened up to Felix a lot here and I had no idea whatsoever what he might do with this information.

“Felix, I need...” I faltered, afraid of what would happen if he refused what I was about to ask. “Can you please not tell anyone about any of this? I really don't want anybody to know...”

He was thoughtful and distracted. “Huh?”

“Please, Felix.” I said, stumbling over my words. “Please don't tell anyone about me... I don't... I mean... I don't think I'm ready for that...” 

The fox didn't immediately answer. That simply made me worry all the more.

“Felix...” I pleaded, unable to keep a little of the desperation I was feeling from seeping into my voice. “Please... Just keep this a secret...”

Felix stared at me, his expression neutral and unreadable. He then took a deep breath. “Fine.” He said at last. “I won't tell anyone.”

A sigh of relief escaped me. “Thank you.”

“But I still...” Felix added, with a shake of his head. “I still don't know what to make of any of this. I'm gong to have to think this over...”

That sounded too vague to be good. I was about to try and say something more, but he suddenly stood up.

“Look, I should be getting back to the office.” He said, quickly. “Take care, Ollie.”

“Felix, I...” I began, but he was already turning away, not listening.

“Feel better, Ollie. See ya..” He said as he walked away.

I sat there in the coffee shop for some time after that, going over the conversation again and again and again, imaging all of the things I could have said to make it go better and kicking myself for not saying them when I had the chance.

In the end, I headed home, my coffee and sandwich remaining untouched as I dropped then in the nearest bin.

There was some solace to be had, I told myself on the way home. At least Felix had said he wouldn't tell anyone. Well, at least intentionally. I realized that there was always the possibility he might accidentally say something without meaning to, and that started me off on a whole new round of fearful worrying.

By the time I made it home, the promise of secrecy from Felix was seeming like a smaller and smaller victory, cold comfort when compared to the vast array of things that could go wrong now that I had told the fox the truth.

Was he going to end up hating me? Had I made an enemy today? Just because he wasn't going to tell anyone, that didn't mean he was necessarily on my side, that he was going to end up being okay with me being gay. And even if he was, surely he'd look at me as some kind of pathetic coward, wanting to stay in the closet? I mean, what were the chances he'd actually understand my fears?

And then there were the worries about what would happen when I eventually went back to work. Would he treat me differently? Would that then make others suspicious? How long before that led to others finding out about me?

I was driving myself crazy with worry, I knew that. But I couldn't seem to stop. After many hours of continuously going over and over it in my head, I realized that I desperately wanted to talk to someone, anyone, about this. But there was no one.

There was Harvey, but as I checked the time on my phone, I realized he would only have just finished work. And today was a gym day for him. I didn't want to bother him during his workout, be an overly needy boyfriend. He would call later and I'd talk to him then.

Unfortunately, that left me with several more hours of mind-wrenchingly paranoid thoughts parading through my head and...

There was a sudden knock on my front door, cutting off that train of thought. Who on Earth could that be?

Opening the door, I was shocked to find Harvey standing there, still dressed in his stained and dirty work overalls.

“What...?” I stammered, stepping aside to let him in. “Harvey what are you doing here? I thought you were going to the gym tonight?”

“I decided to skip it.” Harvey explained. He reached out and hugged me close as soon as I had the door closed. “I guessed after your meeting with Felix, you'd probably need someone to talk to. So I came here straight from work...”

I was at a complete loss for words, overcome with a flush of warm emotion. I was just so touched that he'd rushed over here as soon as he could to be here for me, without even being asked. So I just stood there, hugging him and being grateful to have such a wonderful guy in my life.

After a few minutes, he pulled out of the hug, took me by the paw and led me over to the couch. We sat down and snuggled up against each other, my head resting against his chest as he placed an arm around my shoulders.

It was amazing how much of a calming effect the bear could have on me. Just a few moments hugging him suppressed all the crazy thoughts that had been plaguing me.

And a few moments later, I started talking, telling him all about my conversation with Felix, the good and the bad. He listened, calmly and silently, letting me get it all out. His hug became tighter as I went on.

“...And since getting home, I'm been going crazy with worry.” I was saying, finishing. “I mean, what if...?”

“Oliver.” Harvey interrupted, breaking his silence. I swivelled my head around to look up at him. His expression was filled with warmth and affection.

“First off, I want to say...” He said. “I know what you did today, admitting to being gay, was not at all easy for you. But you managed to find the strength to go through with it and I am so incredibly proud of you!” He leaned in and planted a quick kiss on the end of my muzzle.

A shiver of delight ran through me at that. But it wasn't just the kiss. It was knowing that I'd made Harvey proud of me, that he appreciated me and understood what I was going through. A thousand kisses wouldn't come close to matching how good that felt.

“As to what might happen next...” Harvey continued. “That's something you can't control, and so there's little point worrying about it. Felix did say he wouldn't tell anyone. Do you have any reason not to trust him?”

I thought about the fox. Yeah, he was hardly a friend or anything, but in all my years working with him, he had always seemed to be a decent and honest guy.

“No, I suppose not.” I said, but I had more concerns than that. “But he might let something slip accidentally, or change the way he behaves towards me at work making others suspicious...”

The bear hugged me against him, “True. But as I said, that's nothing you can control. There's no point worrying about such things until they actually happen. Which they might not.”

“I suppose you're right...” I sighed. And he really was. All I'd really be doing is wasting time and energy better spent on more important things. Like being with Harvey.

“I know I'm right.” Harvey said, hugging me tight.

After a few minutes of silent comforting snuggling, he pulled out of it and looked at me. “You hungry?”

Now that he mentioned it, I really was, having not had anything at lunch and having been too distracted since to notice my rumbling stomach. “Yeah, I am.”

He nodded. “Good. How about I go get us dinner? Some Chinese again?”

“Harvey, you don't have to...” I began to protest.

He silenced me with a quick kiss on the nose. “I don't have to, but I want to. You did something difficult and amazing today, and I want to give you a treat.” He put on a sheepish grin. “Besides, while I'm gone, I can swing by my place and grab a quick shower and change of clothes. I must stink a little after a hard day at work...”

To be perfectly honest, I hadn't really noticed until he pointed it out. Just being with him had a tendency to sometimes distract me from other things. But there it was, a solid smell of sweat and oil and grease. The funny thing is, it wasn't exactly unpleasant. It seemed like a very 'Harvey' kind of a smell.

But I smiled and wrinkled my nose comically. “Yes, you do a little...”

“Then I should run off and deal with it.” He giggled. “I don't want to be offending my boyfriend.”

“You'd have to do a lot more than smell bad to manage that, Hero!” I said, with a low chuckle.

His affectionate smile warmed my heart as he leaned in and we kissed, one of our deep and passionate kisses, the kind we'd seemed to have done an awful lot of already in the short time we'd been a couple. The rest of the world seemed to fade away in those moments, nothing else seeming to matter.

When we pulled apart again, Harvey was still smiling. “I don't think I'll ever get tired of doing that.”

“Same here.” I agreed, grinning broadly.

He patted me on the leg. “Anyway, I should get going. I'll be back as soon as I can with dinner.”

I saw him to the door, and we managed to keep it to only one hug and brief no-tongues kiss on the way. He did mention once again how proud he was of me for what I did today and then he was gone for the moment.

His praise and pride managed to stop my mind immediately going back to my worries over Felix. Well, for a good twenty minutes anyway. Then they started to seep back in and erode my good mood.

As I waited for my boyfriend to return, I did my best to ignore them. Harvey had been right, worrying about these things was ultimately pointless. Whatever happened next with that fox was nothing I could control. So I tried not to think about it and instead focused on Harvey.

Because whatever ended up happening with Felix or at work, I still had that magnificent bear as my boyfriend, and that fact was a constant source of joy.

I felt blessed to have him in my life and I wasn't sure what I'd do without him...

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

I wasn't sure what I was going to do with Oliver...

At the point that thought was running through my head, it was already Wednesday, we were due to have out second date Saturday night, and I had yet to settle on something for us to do. I was more determined than ever to find something good and special for my badger, after what he'd done the day before.

I'll admit, he really took me by surprise, admitting to being gay to his co-worker. I mean, I knew he could do it, but I had seriously thought he wouldn't. But somehow he found the strength and courage to take the plunge and... well, I couldn't put into words precisely how incredibly proud of him I was. That was a huge step forward he took. One which temporarily quietened down that part of me that was bothered by him being in the closet and gave me hope for the future.

Right then however, the future I had to concern myself with was the upcoming date. In my defence, I had been somewhat occupied so far that week, between work, enjoying having a boyfriend, worrying about our relationship, and then spending yesterday evening with him, eating Chinese food and watching TV.

We weren't seeing each other that night, neither of us seemed to be so clingy as to want to spend every last spare moment with each other, as tempting as that might be. We'd still talk on the phone later, but I had a few things I needed to do before then.

First of which was figuring out the details of our second date. But what could we do? There had to be something. I tried to think it through logically. I wanted something that Oliver would enjoy, so what did he like?

Then the answer struck me suddenly. I couldn't believe it hadn't occurred to me before. It was so damn obvious!

With a smile on my muzzle, I quickly did some searching online and found exactly what I needed, knowing that I had found the perfect date to take my badger on. Before long, I had made a booking and we were set.

I spent a little more time planning the date, checking for places to eat nearby, figuring out times. I probably spent a little longer than necessary at it. Partly because I wanted to make sure everything was perfectly planned, and partly because I was putting off the other thing I had to do.

I had to talk to Marcus.

It had to be done, I knew that. I had to try and get through to him, see if we could find a way to save our friendship. But it was likely going to be a tough and uncomfortable conversation. I would have to try and be firm and assertive with him, avoid letting him manipulate me.

The moment came when I couldn't reasonably put it off any longer. I picked up my phone and dialled my raccoon friend.

“Hi Marcus.” I said, once he answered.

“Harvey.” He replied, simply and flatly. Taking a deep breath, I continued.

“We need to talk, Marcus.” I said, trying to be firm and serious.

The raccoon seemed to be immediately defensive. “About what? Your pointless infatuation with a random badger you hardly know?”

I bit back my first angry response to that, doing my best to maintain my calm. “This has nothing to do with Oliver. This is about you and me.”

Marcus gave a hollow laugh.“Ah, it's about you taking advantage of me and...”

It was almost as if he were purposely trying to provoke me. “God damn it, Marcus! Would you cut the bullshit already!” I snapped.

But Marcus seemed intent on being argumentative. “Sorry if having a good friend use me and dump me makes me a little edgy...”

However, I was determined not to let him get to me, to stay strong and get through to him. “Would you shut the fuck up and let me talk? Because I have had enough of your emotional blackmail and immature tantrums!”

“Excuse me?” Marcus said, shocked and offended.

“You heard me.” I said, not backing down. “I am not going to be taking any more of this crap, Marcus. I was hurting and drunk and made a mistake. No matter how good it might have felt, it remains a mistake, and...”

“So you get to...” Marcus started to say, snarling.

I interrupted him. “Let me fucking finish! I appreciate you being there for me, I always have. But that does not give you the right to try and emotionally manipulate me. I would hope you would be good enough to try and see things from my point of view rather than just think of yourself.”

“I...” He tried to say something, but paused. I heard him take a few deep breaths before continuing. “I'm thinking of you as well, Harvey. If you're thinking of it as a mistake, and then next time you need me like that...”

“I'm sorry, Marcus.” I said, maintaining a calm tone. “For taking advantage of you like that and making things difficult between us. But it is not going to happen again. Ever. I have every intention of learning from my mistake.”

The raccoon let out a deep sigh. “Okay, Harvey. If that's really the way you're determined to do things, I suppose I have to accept it, for the sake of our friendship.”

A huge wave of relief washed over me. I seemed to finally be getting through to him.

“Thank you, Marcus.” I said.

“Although I still think you should give up on that damn fucking badger.” Marcus said. Sometimes, he really didn't know when to stop talking. “That silly infatuation can't possibly go anywhere.”

I bristled at him talking about Oliver like that. It would have probably been best to not make a big deal of it, leave it at that for the moment. Give the raccoon a chance to process things before I told him about the change in things between me and Oliver. But it seemed making mistakes with Marcus was just the way I was doing things these days. I felt a need to defend my boyfriend and I let that need control what I did next.

“Please don't be so disrespectful about Oliver.” I said. A hint of a growl had slipped into my voice, although that hadn't been my intention.

“Why?” Marcus laughed. “He's just some guy you met. It's not as if he's your boyfriend or anything...”

Damn him for putting it like that. Not only did it make my urge to defend Oliver so much stronger, but I was now backed into a corner. I could either let it slide, and then get accused of hiding things from Marcus when he did find out I was now dating Oliver. Or I could admit to it now, even though it far from the best time.

It wasn't a great choice. But I ultimately decided to be honest.

“Actually, he is my boyfriend now.” I admitted. “Oliver and I are dating. So please...”

“Are you serious?” Marcus spluttered.

“Yes, I am.” I told him. “So I would appreciate it if you would...”

“So, my advice just means nothing to you?” The raccoon on the phone was suddenly very angry.

“What are you talking about?” I asked, confused.

“I warned you several times.” Marcus explained. “That things with this badger couldn't possibly work, that it would just lead to heart break for you. But it seems you've decided to just ignore me and do something stupid anyway!”

“You can't possibly know how things between me and Oliver will turn out!” I said, now on the defensive. “You can't...”

“I can know, Harvey!” Marcus growled. “I know relationships, I have a lot more experience than you! And I know you! And I am telling you, once again, that things can not possibly work out between you and this damn badger.”

“He is not a 'damn badger'.” I said in reply. Anger was rising in me. The conversation had been going well, but at that point it was quickly going off the rails. “His name is Oliver. He's a great guy who makes me happy and he's my boyfriend now, so please be fucking respectful! Can't you just be happy for me?”

“Not when you're wasting your time while ignoring your friends!” He snapped back at me. “Why won't you listen to me? You...”

“No, you listen to me, Marcus!” I said. I'd had more than enough of this. “I care about you and appreciate all you've done for me, but this is my life, my choices to make! Not yours! Oliver makes me happy, he is my boyfriend! That is a fact, and none of your ridiculous passive-aggressive whining is going to change that!”

“We are supposed to be friends...!” Marcus tried to reply.

But I was not having any of it. “We are supposed to be, yes! And friends are supposed to support each other!”

“You are choosing this badger over me!” Marcus said.

“No, I'm choosing to be happy!” I said. I was getting really tired of this nonsense. “You are choosing to make this a matter of him or you, which is just plain stupid! I can have friends and a boyfriend you know!”

“Harvey, you don't understand...”

“No, I really don't understand why you're acting like this, Marcus!” I snarled. I wanted this conversation over with. “You're my friend, I care about you, but until you get your head on straight and start accepting my decisions and respecting my relationship, we have nothing more to say to each other!” And with that, I hung up, angrily stabbing at the call end button.

I tossed my phone aside, half expecting him to call back immediately, trying to continue the argument. But the phone stayed silent.

That had really not gone well. I had no idea what was up with him, why he was acting the way he was. It was just so damn frustrating. I hoped I had managed to at least get him to rethink things, maybe start to accept that I was in a relationship with Oliver now.

The fact was, Marcus had been a good friend, been there for me during rough times, offered me plenty of good advice when I needed it. I hated the idea of losing his friendship. But what else could I do if he didn't see sense?

I rubbed at my eyes with my paws, feeling tired and stressed. It was such a mess, and I didn't know what to do next. I supposed the best thing I could do right then was just give him some time to cool off and get used to the fact that I was dating Oliver now before trying to talk to him again.

For the moment, I had other things to occupy my mind. Like trying to figure out myself and my life, something at which I seemed to be making very little progress.

And of course there was Oliver. Just thinking of the badger made me smile. I found myself looking forward to seeing him again, and to our next date, seeing how he was going to react to what I'd decided we'd be doing.

So despite the difficulties with Marcus, I was feeling good and optimistic about the future. I could only hope such feelings were well-placed... 

To Be Continued...